I was fortunate enough to get to a concert last night and it was amazing!

80’s tunes back to back, being sung by some seriously talented people. Two of which, I am lucky to call my friends.

What a night it was. There was such a buzz in the theatre and folk were on their feet from the start.

It’s funny really, usually with things like this I tend to just sit for fear of looking like a plonker. NOT last night though!

Despite having the worst sore head i’ve had in a long time (thanks Thunder Storm) 🙄 and only having a few drinks, I was strutting my stuff in my seat and then IN THE AILSE!!😂🙈

For once I didn’t care. I wasn’t the only one and I was just enjoying the moment which I don’t often do.

Instead I usually worry about making a fool of myself or worrying about what other people think…perhaps this is a new me? 🤔

I normally over- analyse everything, from what i’m wearing to what my make-up looks like. For instance, yesterday I put a nose ring in for the first time and it was a bit big. I would usually over think it and freak out but last night I just thought “oh well, it’s in now”😂. Such minor things really make giant leaps in day to day living.

Last night was enlightening for me. I was free from worry, and I can’t remember the last time that has happened. Change is afoot I feel.

So to anyone who is anxious, stressed, worrys about every little thing…..it will get better, I promise.

One small change can have a big impact.

You will get there.

You will have good days and bad days, and on the good days, just embrace it and enjoy every moment.

We are only here once so if you want to dance in the ailse of a theatre, if you want to take your bra off and throw it onstage ( I didn’t do that 😂) then flippin’ well just do it.

Much love xxx

At the end of a long working day, trying to catch up on family time, making dinners, catching up on house work, it’s easy to wonder if juggling everthing is worth it.

The stress we can go through at work, at home can just be……bleugh!

I had time to reflect at work today during my appraisal. Work has been hard. As with every job, paperwork piles up, understaffing puts a great pressure on things and it can be easy to want to lock yourself away and have a cry (which has happened) or just throw in the towel and go home to bed.

I got asked if I enjoy being a Social Care Officer and I couldn’t lie…..I do.

I love helping people. It makes me feel good. Despite all the obstacles and challenges we face day to day

Maybe that’s egotistical….I don’t know. 🙈

I think anybody who is involved in the care of another person, whether paid or not is an absolute unsung hero.

I also got asked if I leave feeling fulfilled. Again, I had to answer honestly and say “no”. I don’t leave my work at the door, I always worry i’ve not done enough or i’ve forgotten to do something-again it’s something we all feel and comes with the territory.

I’m making a conscious effort to try to not get bogged down by the stresses and just enjoy my work as long as I can. I’m not perfect and I make plenty of mistakes but I’m passionate that we should all treat others as we want to be treated. I’m lucky that I work with a great bunch of people that I can have great banter with. 😁

To get enjoyment from your work, you have to enjoy what you do. If you don’t, what are you doing it for? Work should be a passion and a dedication and the good days should outweigh the bad.

If you’re not happy, only YOU can change it. Find your passion, find what you’re good at and go and nail it!

Do I think i’ll be in my job forever? Probably not as it’s so physical and I already feel like a 90 year old when I stand up 😂 but who knows.

Life is too short. Do what makes you happy. Don’t let the petty things become massive, brush off the haters and do what you do best with every fibre of your being. You’ve got this. 👊😘

Much love xxx

P.s. special shout out to Kirsty. My best friend. A woman who has studied and worked so hard to be a neo-natal nurse. She knew what she wanted and she went for it. So proud of you 😘

Something magical happened tonight……❤ 

I was back, in a hall singing my wee heart out with my fellow thespians for the Angus Minstrels final show. My face hurts from smiling so much. I have done one Musical since having Martha and the travelling and juggling everything and the Mum Guilt took it’s toll.  I didn’t enjoy it as I should…although I loved the actual week of the show and all the dancing sorted my pelvic floor. (I haven’t coughed and wet myself since-bonus!) Evert other singing event I have done has just been one or two nights with a short rehearsal period. Each time, my nerves were getting worse and my confidence getting lower.

I just felt so at home tonight. Surrounded by people who have known me since I was an eager wee kid with a big dream. I never really went out underage drinking or causing chaos. I went to 2 or 3 rehearsals a week for most of the year and had a second family (some of whom taught me how NOT to behave at an aftershow party 😂. These people have seen me at my best, and seen me at my worst. They have seen me rise and fall with the rollercoaster that has been the past few years and they have been patient, and kind, and inclusive. They have seen my laugh until I cry and also cry in the middle of a song when the emotion just gets too much.

Performing was my life and becoming a Mum changed that, but I didn’t mind. What I forgot though was that rehearsing was my comfort, my socialisation and without it, I suppose I went through a bit of a grieving process. Grieving for the person I used to be, grieving for my friends and “show life”.

Becoming a parent brings great change. It’s easy to say, “Yeh i’ll still do this” or “Yeh i’ll still do that”, but there is a tiny, poop covered person that is relying on you for everything. A family has to change their priorities even if it means giving up a hobby for a while. I knew that shows, and concerts would always be there, but Martha was only going to be tiny for such a short time and I wanted to savour every laugh, every cry, every bath time, every projectile vomit 🙈

With time at home came more anxiety, more frustration, more reluctance to do anything. Afterall, the less you do something, the harder it becomes.

Tonight though, I felt like the Eileen from 15 years ago when I enjoyed every minute of every rehearsal and would get home with sore sides from laughing with my friends. I can’t wait for next week. 😁

Working shifts is a nightmare for any kind of hobby, let alone trying to sort everything else, but i’m making it a priority this year. For my own sanity.

So go on, take some time for you. Find something that makes our face hurt with smiling, something that completes you….and DO IT! 

Much Love. Xx

 

It’s never something i’ve done to be honest, living in the moment. I always look ahead. Sometimes with excitement, sometimes with dread. I focus 40 years in the future and panic about the “What If”.

When I moved a month ago, into my own little house I was trying to make a conscious effort to live more in the moment, enjoying the here and now and trying not to worry about what is going to happen.

Well….that may have backfired slightly as I’ve spent 2 hours as a sweaty, bingo-winged blur ransacking the house looking for my passport (which expired in 2009-I know) and also for my car tax reminder ( which after a few days of internal worry, was found in my jacket pocket) I’ve known i’ve needed both things and they have been on my imaginery to do list all month…but I just forget 😭

Oh, I also forgot to change my pay details at work so now my wages are going to get paid in the account that i’m not part of anymore. Luckily, Big Al still uses the account and will sort it 😀

HUGE praise and respect to everyone who juggles a busy life! I was never good at juggling unfortunately 🙄😂

I think I took relaxing and living in the moment a bit too far this time and need to find a balance.

I now realise just how much stuff i’ve yet to sort and unpack but hey, now that i’ve found both things I need surely I can enjoy the moment just one final time? Just until I finish my glass of wine? Awesome!

Much love, from an exhausted, working single Mum who can’t blame anyone but herself. 😁

P.S. I have just realised that I look half wasted and that I have an abnormally giant hand. I have only had ONE glass and my hand is regular sized in real life 😂. Honest!

So i’m sitting here ready to get a bikini wax….I know….T.M.I right? It got me thinking though, why am I doing it? I mean, i’m single now and nobody has been near it in months, I might as well padlock it. 😂

I first got it done a month ago and i’m not going to lie, it was super painful but I felt great afterwards 😀

That’s what anything we do in life is supposed to do. Whether you get your eyebrows done, nails done, buy yourself that new pair of shoes..eat that second bit of cake it doesn’t matter. If things make you feel good and you’re not hurting anybody then why not?

There can be stigma attached to doing anything. If a parent wants to go for a night out and let his/her hair down, then so what? If you want to spend money on waxing, or botox, or spray tans then go for it! If the kids are happy then when shouldn’t we be.

Do what makes you happy. Spoil yourself. I’m always the worst for pampering and it’s only been the past few months that i’ve started getting my hair done more often and getting my moustache waxed 🙈.

Usually, I shave my legs about once a month and if i’m wearing sandals, only paint the toes I can see 🙈

So yes, i’ll lie there with my foof out for myself. Not for anybody else.I may come out red raw and walking home like i’ve just spent a week riding a horse, but I know tomorrow i’ll feel great. 😁

It’s ok to take some time for you.

So do it.

Book yourself in that for massage:

Go for that long awaited catch-up with friends:

Get the tattoo you’ve wanted for years:

Get a sitter and go on the date you and your partner never seem to manage.

Live your life. If you’re happy, then your family will be too.

Much love xx

….from a red raw, very tired Mum.

There is always a constant battle going on in my head between my will- power and my stomach. My stomach normally wins 🙄

I have hated the way i’ve looked for over half my life. Wow. Half my life. 19 Years to be precise. Ever since starting secondary school, when what you wore and what you looked like became much more important than who you were…GOD I HATED IT!!

I guess that’s when my unhealthy relationship with food began. Fad diets were really taking off, and I remember doing the “Kellogs special K” diet quite a few times in which you would only eat cereal twice a day and then a healthy meal at night. It actually makes me so angry thinking about it and how it was plastered all over T.V like it was the norm. Yes, I would lose 6lbs but then it would go back on and then some and then you move on to the next crazy diet. Each time loathing yourself a little bit more.

For me, food is a crutch. I eat when i’m hungry ;when i’m not; when i’m happy; when i’m sad. I’d quite happily never eat another meal again and just eat chocolate and cakes. 🙄🤣 Darned sweet tooth 🤗

People always assume that if you’re bigger then you must eat three 15inch pizzas every day and just slob around. Not the case.

My size had been roughly the same for most of my adult life, fluctuating up and down a dress size. Even though I hated it, it was reliable 🙂

The only time i’ve ever been happy with my body was when I was pregnant. I didn’t mind the stretch marks and my ever expanding waistline and the fact that my front bum was going to have to stretch to the size of a large grapefruit 🙈😋..I was growing a miracle ❤

2015

I suppose even afterwards, getting back into my size 14 “hump me” jeans a month after giving birth felt amazing and I was embracing my new Mum tum.

But then, well it all changed. Fast forward a few months and i’m in constant pain, crying every day, and 4 stone heavier and I had no idea why. For once I wasn’t in control of losing weight. I wasn’t bigger because of what I was eating, nothing I did worked. At my lowest point I honestly thought I was dying. I remember texting my friend whilst waiting on the blood results saying. “WHAT IF I DIE? I’M SO SCARED”. My body just felt like it was shutting down.

2017 and i’m on my thyroid meds (yup, you’ve guessed it i’m talking about my Thyroid again. Stop reading now if you’ve heard me drone on enough) and i’m starting to notice my cheek bones coming back but I still have a long way to go. I’m still not comfortable in my own skin and have lost all of my confidence. All because I was a bit heavier than “normal” for goodness sake. It seems so trivial but it’s an anxiety I live with every day.

So here we are in 2019, 4 stone lighter and starting to feel my old self again, but i’m realising more and more that no matter what size I am, i’m never going to be happy and will always have hang-ups (or flop downs in my case 🤣)

It’s the whole “I wish I was as thin as the first time I thought I was fat” scenario. I look back at pictures of my teenage self and see collar bones and a tiny waist and wish I hadn’t have listened to all the negativity. It stopped me from doing so many things in my life.

I’m not there yet and i’ve been eating everything like there is going to be a mass ration ( seriously, 2 custard doughnuts and a big bag of giant buttons during nightshift last night) I self sabotage a lot and only I can make the changes I need. I’m not just automatically going to wake up one day a size 12 and be able to run a half marathon….more’s the pity.

We each have a goal we want and I’m going to start holding myself more accountable and making sure I make the right choices. I mean Dear Lordy, i’m single now and the thought of anyone seeing me naked is, well…..yeh let’s not. I have to accept and love myself though before anyone else will.

This time when I reach my goal; notice I said when not if ( i’m getting better 😉) i’m not going to stress out if I put a bit back on again…afterall. I want my cake and to eat it.

We are all absolutely amazing, gorgeous people and we need to remember that. ❤

My personal target this year is to stop caring about what my arms look like and just let the air circulate. If somebody has a problem with them then i’ll just flap a bingo wing in their face 🤣

Much love xxx

Watching Martha dance in her first show made my heart burst with pride. As did the heart of every relative of every person up on stage. Seeing everybody just absolutely loving their time on stage and having a ball. It isn’t about being better than somebody else, it’s about believing in yourself and enjoying the moment.

Usually, when I try something new it would be around this time that I have what I would call “A Wobble”. I worry all the time about what people think. I have never wanted people to think I love myself or that i’m arrogant. However, because I worry so much, it’s held me back from doing the things I love to their full potential. I always forget that the people who really matter in my life are the people who will love everything I do. No matter what.

If I post up a singing video, or write my blog I feel good for about an hour and then just panic. I worry about the gossip and what people are saying about me. Why should I care? I get annoyed that I do care. What I have to try to remember though is that if someone rolls their eyes and has negativity, or decides that i’m their negative topic of conversation, then they are not the people I should be associating with or bothering about. It’s hard though, to remove negativity from your life. Especially today when social media is everything and everywhere. The negative stuff is always harder to believe. I would love to keep the magic of being young and doing something out of pure enjoyment without the worry. It’s refreshing and something i’m going to try really hard to abide by from now on. Let the haters hate. We all say and do things we shouldn’t and that’s what makes us human. What also makes us human though is our ability to love and support. I do my best to support all my friends in everything they do, regardless of what it is or why. One trait I will never have and I hope Martha never has is jealousy. I will raise her to support and encourage people. No dream is too big and I want her to do what I never did…..believe in herself.

Much Love xx

Today I got to see Martha take part in her first sports day. As I watched her and the rest of her little team line up for the first race, I could sense the excitement and nerves. Bearing in mind, that there are no rankings and it’s all just for fun, they still all wanted to do the best they could. Super cute 😍

I remember being 4 like it was yesterday. Going to nursery was exciting! Watching Bedknobs and Broomsticks every single day ( that Mum had recorded off of the tele and had the old milky way advert on it) was the highlight of my days. Being completely sucked in by the imagery and music. I couldn’t get enough of it.

Getting sooo excited if we got a sweetie as a treat, or if Mum had enough money to get face cold meat..which naturally, I would eat the eyes out of and hold it up to my face because otherwise, what’s the point right? 🤣

I would go back to that time in a heart beat. Seeing the magic in everything. Martha stopped the other day, just to point out a snail sitting on a leaf. I would never have noticed. The joy she gets, running up to the traffic lights to push the button and wait on the green man. When does that stop?

The overwhelming sense she gets to dance everywhere and anywhere when she hears a rhythmn.

The excitement on her face today when I walked into her Dads house to pick her up ❤

Being young is….being able to pick out a wedgie with nobody judging you😁. Being able to be completely yourself because you know no different. It’s about not caring about what you look like, what other people look like, not worrying about bills, and schedules and the future. It’s living life to the fullest every single day without having to do very much.

Yes, i’d go back there in a heart beat, sitting watching Bedknobs and Broomsticks eating my face cold meat and feeling truly content.

Oh to be young again. ❤

Much love x

Today was a massive day! It may seem so trivial but to me it was MASSIVE! I finally went to IKEA. 5 hours of pretty much being in heaven. I felt like a kid in a sweet shop. Lighting, soft furnishings, kitchenware and meatballs! I felt free today. Free to make my own choices about what to buy, how much to spend, how I want my new home looking. It was liberating. For a long time I have avoided going places I haven’t been, if I know there is a system to adhere to. For instance I love sushi but have never gone to a sushi place to eat because I don’t know what to do with the conveyer belt thingymajig and it gives me the actual fear. I don’t know why asking someone to explain it to me is so terrifying but it is 🙈🤣

Luckily today I was with someone who had been before and knew about the writing down system and collecting the big items at the end….thanks Pal!

It was everything I had hoped for and more. Following the arrows through a treasure trove of inspiration to be met at the end with a £700 bill…..but every penny was carefully spent with thought.

I didn’t get carried away for once. Each item has a use and a need. A day away with great banter, great shopping and a transit van was just perfection.

The only downside is that I now have 3 chests of drawers, a side unit, 8 storage cubes , and a shelving unit to build.

Anyone got a screwdriver?

Much Love xx

I think most of us want the “Happily Ever After” that we see in films. You want to meet that one person, get married, start a family, and live happily ever after. It does happen. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.

I didn’t plan on being 31 and almost twice divorced. I don’t think anybody willingly get’s married thinking that it won’t last. Marriage takes work…but why should it have to be SO hard? When is it ok to say enough is enough?  Just recently, I was viewing a house and explaining to the neighbour ( who had barged her way in during the viewing I might add) that the house was for Me and my daughter as I had separated. I’m then hit with ” you know, in my day divorce didn’t happen and folk just had to work at it”.

I felt like screaming at the top of my lungs ” I TRIED! I REALLY REALLY TRIED!”. Instead, I gradually changed the subject and left the viewing feeling A. Super annoyed that this woman just appeared from next door and B. Really frustrated that there is always a stigma.

A lot has changed in the last 6 months. Ending my marriage, breaking up a family unit, selling my dream home and setting up as a single parent. An “Independent Woman”. I’ve been living in my own place for a month now and I can’t deny I feel a sense of peace, of calm but also of pure terror…..i’m trying to live each day as it comes now as apposed to worrying about everything. I’m trying to unleash an inner confidence and I think this blog will be my therapy.

What will tomorrow bring I wonder?..