How many times can you try?

Online dating is a jungle. I’ve never blogged about the fact that I had signed up to online dating but i’d never hidden it from those close to me. It was something I always vowed I would never do, but in a solely female work environment and in a time when everyone is glued to their phones on a night out instead of scoping out the room for a mate, I felt it was worth a shot.

I’ve had many great, fun dates and on the whole no crazy disaster stories to tell. I’ve met some lovely guys and sometimes they are great but the spark or chemistry just hasn’t been there and that’s fine because that’s what it’s all about. It’s better to be honest and frank about that after a first date, than leading someone down a misleading path.

There have been a few with great potential, a few dates and i’ve started to let my guard down. I never hide the fact that i’m an old romantic and can get over excited. πŸ€·β€β™€οΈπŸ˜‚

There has been a running pattern that i’ve noticed recently though…..being told one thing only for them to do the opposite. The compliments, the messages, the video calls for hours at a time…even the person with the hardest of hearts would start to soften. You WANT to believe these things. You WANT to believe that there is a happily ever after out there and you open yourself up knowing there is a risk. You make yourself vulnerable. It’s an absolute whirlwind.

Each time there is heartbreak and disappointment, the gate over your heart starts to rust shut even tighter and the triple- lock padlock seals into place.

That is my life now. I question myself everyday anyway but when something like this happens, you start to wonder not how, but IF you will ever be able to trust anyone again.

Someone who gave you butterflies. Someone who seen your soul. Someone who you discussed a future with, who you could SEE a future with then breaks your heart….and tells you over a message πŸ™„ Someone who never gave mixed messages and was frank and honest….until now.

I’ve realised that 1. I’m an ugly crier πŸ˜­πŸ™ˆπŸ˜‚ and 2. That even if I meet the right person in the future, I won’t believe that they are because I will be waiting for the red flags and the back- tracking( or them running back to their ex πŸ™„) so will shut them out even if it’s unintentionally. I will become self- destructive to my own future.

Words are cheap. It’s easy to talk the talk but for the love of God, just be honest. Don’t tell someone you are falling for them and see a future if you don’t. It’s dangerous.

I don’t really know where I go from here. Is it karma for me ending my marriage? Maybe. If so, then i’ll take it on the chin. Will I be 80 and alone living with 35 cats? As dramatic as it seems just now, it seems like the safest bet. I’ve never been a gambler and i’m fed up with betting my heart and losing it.

I need to clarify that this is not an “I hate men” blog. Men are great! I love men! But I definitely don’t trust my own judgement anymore when it comes to picking one. So i’m not going to anymore.

On the plus side, I will save some money on bikini waxes and I can grow my leg hair out so I won’t need to wear tights πŸ˜‚

Just think. Think about how your words and actions can affect a person. Don’t try to rescue them if you aren’t going to keep them. ❀

Much love…..from an ugly crying, over emotional busyworkingmum ❀❀

What’s for you….

Blogging has been a huge help to me. Like keeping a journal, i can type out my verbal vomit and release it from my mind. If I can help someone too? Even better.

Recently, i’ve felt a bit all over the place and I suppose, downtrodden. The hum-drum of daily living, working and housework ( which never seems to make the place look any better πŸ™ˆ) have all just been constant chore.

It’s no secret in my family that i’m completely jinxed when it comes to things breaking or going wrong.πŸ˜‚ Whether it’s something as simple as my wardrobe rail breaking and my clothes having to lie on the floor for a week, small things can be enough to put me into a spin. I sometimes feel like i’m juggling so many balls in the air that it’s just a matter of time before they all come crashing down.

I’m naturally a pessamist. It’s a self-protection thing that I found has protected me from disappointment. Healthy? No….and i’m working on it.

I’m really trying this year to focus on the positive things and the positive people who have come into my life, but it can be really challenging. I’m very fortunate to have people who can pick me up when i’m down. ❀

I’m focusing on what I want out of life and striving to get there. Everyday I try to visualise it. You should too. If today like me, you are feeling run down, sad, worried even if there doesn’t have to be a reason. Know that it will pass. Focus on the end goal, but don’t put too much pressure on yourself to get there so quickly. Baby steps. Take your time. Breathe. If you can’t face washing a 6th load of dishes…just leave them. Get the chocolate out of the cupboard, have a cry and stick on Netflix.

As my Granny always says “What’s for you will not go past you”. Do I believe you, Granny? I’m not so sure….but I WANT to believe you and that’s what matters.

We need to make decisions about WHAT we WANT in life. WHO we want in our lives and find a way to make it happen.

Here is to finding a future, even through the exhausted fog. And here is to blogging. Lordy it’s good 😁😁

Much Love xxx