Feeling complete.

Something magical happened tonight……❤ 

I was back, in a hall singing my wee heart out with my fellow thespians for the Angus Minstrels final show. My face hurts from smiling so much. I have done one Musical since having Martha and the travelling and juggling everything and the Mum Guilt took it’s toll.  I didn’t enjoy it as I should…although I loved the actual week of the show and all the dancing sorted my pelvic floor. (I haven’t coughed and wet myself since-bonus!) Evert other singing event I have done has just been one or two nights with a short rehearsal period. Each time, my nerves were getting worse and my confidence getting lower.

I just felt so at home tonight. Surrounded by people who have known me since I was an eager wee kid with a big dream. I never really went out underage drinking or causing chaos. I went to 2 or 3 rehearsals a week for most of the year and had a second family (some of whom taught me how NOT to behave at an aftershow party 😂. These people have seen me at my best, and seen me at my worst. They have seen me rise and fall with the rollercoaster that has been the past few years and they have been patient, and kind, and inclusive. They have seen my laugh until I cry and also cry in the middle of a song when the emotion just gets too much.

Performing was my life and becoming a Mum changed that, but I didn’t mind. What I forgot though was that rehearsing was my comfort, my socialisation and without it, I suppose I went through a bit of a grieving process. Grieving for the person I used to be, grieving for my friends and “show life”.

Becoming a parent brings great change. It’s easy to say, “Yeh i’ll still do this” or “Yeh i’ll still do that”, but there is a tiny, poop covered person that is relying on you for everything. A family has to change their priorities even if it means giving up a hobby for a while. I knew that shows, and concerts would always be there, but Martha was only going to be tiny for such a short time and I wanted to savour every laugh, every cry, every bath time, every projectile vomit 🙈

With time at home came more anxiety, more frustration, more reluctance to do anything. Afterall, the less you do something, the harder it becomes.

Tonight though, I felt like the Eileen from 15 years ago when I enjoyed every minute of every rehearsal and would get home with sore sides from laughing with my friends. I can’t wait for next week. 😁

Working shifts is a nightmare for any kind of hobby, let alone trying to sort everything else, but i’m making it a priority this year. For my own sanity.

So go on, take some time for you. Find something that makes our face hurt with smiling, something that completes you….and DO IT! 

Much Love. Xx


One comment

  1. Annemarie Ray · Jun 27, 2019

    Oh I’ve tear in my eye you write from the heart 💓 💓💓💓

    Liked by 1 person

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