Your own adventure.

I am so proud of myself.

I can do anything.

Life is amazing.

These have been just a few of the thoughts swirling around my head the past couple of days.

Why? Well, because I was brave.

I decided that I wanted a mini break so I booked a hotel for myself and Martha for 2 nights in a city over 70 miles away that I don’t ever remember going to.

It may seem so trivial but for someone who on her worst days, couldn’t leave the house I feel on top of the world.

Loneliness is a horrible thing.

Anxiety is a horrible thing.

The only thing now I could say that has made a difference is CHOOSING to be alone. I made that decision.

When I felt so alone in my marriage, I didn’t enjoy doing things or taking Martha places on my own because I felt full of anger, disappointment and resentment. I was so lonely.

Now though, i’ve chosen to live the way I live and I think that’s why it’s easier to embrace it.

I put the holiday to the back of my mind until the last minute so I didn’t have time to panic.

I asked myself ” what’s the worst that could happen” i.e…..getting lost and realised that with a full tank of fuel and a SAT NAV we would be fine.

I’ve not been worrying about keeping Martha in the sleeping routine I worked so hard to get her into. Instead we have been reading extra stories and going to bed later in the hotel, and it’s been lovely.

We have been spending money we don’t have on things we don’t need and it has been exhausting, hilarious and magical ❤

I’ve been using my inner child this past couple of days and seeing the magic in everything, from the blue bannisters in the hotel that Martha now wants at home, to the sea lion show at the safari park.

I chose to do it alone.

I didn’t once feel alone.

Goodbye resentment, anger and fear.

I’m going to be happy about the experiences I get to have everyday.

Let go of what’s holding you back.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I would still rather take someone with me when I go places because quite frankly, kids are exhausting and it can be boring playing Anna and Elsa for 3 hours with a tree 😂 but it’s not going to stop me anymore.

As for you. The amazing person you are who takes the time to read my verbal vomit…..

Yes you will still have good days and bad days.

Anxiety doesn’t just fade away overnight, but don’t let it be your main focus.

You can do anything.

You will never be alone.

You‘ve got this.

I’m always here for you.

Much Love xx

 

 

 

 

Let it go…

There are times when we are trapped in our own heads, fixating on the “what if’s” and the “why me’s”.

Driving ourselves crazy about things we cannot change.

For the past few weeks, i’ve been prisoner to my own thoughts, pondering about where things went wrong and why. Why I suddenly have to face a different future to the one I was expecting to have. I can’t lie. It’s not been easy to come to terms with. But I have.

Today, I had to let it go. I had to realise that I have to get out of my own head, reflect and move on.

I let go of any hurt, anger, confusion…and i’ve accepted that maybe……..just maybe, it’s happened for a reason yet to reveal itself.

We can’t live our lives to the fullest, if we are stuck on the things we can’t change. We might never have the answers we need. We might never understand, but we also might never get any kind of peace unless we let it go.

Always be you.

Always be authentic.

Always be kind.

If we do those things, the right people will want to surround us, be part of our lives, and help us to live the life we deserve to have.

Don’t hate.

Don’t dwell too much.

Don’t doubt how amazing you are.

Don’t focus on what you can’t change.

Just…..let it go…🥰

It won’t be easy. It will take time. But you WILL feel better. You will feel lighter and you will be stronger than ever before.

Much Love xxx

Pamper yourself.

Today, I have put on a full face of make-up. Normally on a day to day basis, it’s a bit of mascara and blush but today, I did the works.

There is absolutely no reason for it. I don’t have anywhere to go other than the supermarket and even then i’m wearing a mask so nobody will see my gorgeous lipstick 😁

I did it for me. I want to feel good today. I want a little spring in my step. I need it.

Today, I wanted to feel attractive. To give myself 15 minutes of pampering, focusing only on myself.

It makes us feel good when we take some time for ourselves. Whether it’s a massage,a hot bath, getting our nails done….we all have that one thing that makes us feel amazing.

We don’t need a reason. We don’t need to feel guilty. We don’t need to feel like it’s not worth it.

Feeling good about yourself is ALWAYS worth it.

Before another week starts, take some time today and pamper yourself. Treat yourself and remind yourself that you are completely worth it. ❤

Much love xxx

We made it through the day!

There are days that are so good, we don’t want them to end and there are days that we can’t wait to be over.

The excitement of having the kids settled in bed, time to watch some trash telly before dragging our exhausted backsides to bed thinking “What a day….thank God that’s over”.

That’s just life, right? Good days and not so good days.

For me, today was a not so good day. Physically I was really struggling. Mentally, I felt drained. It was nothing to do with work, or kids….just the day. But I put up, showed up and got through the working day as best as I could

I don’t write alot about my Hypothyroidism because, well…I don’t really know why…but today it was the cause of all the pain I was in. The exhaustion I felt and the reason I couldn’t plaster a smile on my face and pretend everything was fine like I would usually do. I’m used to the pain and tiredness it provides on a daily basis but occassionally, the absolute turd of a gland in my neck likes to remind me how much it has changed me. Physically and mentally….as if I could ever forget.

However, todays blog isn’t a “woe is me” type thing and i’m not going to witter on about it. My point, is that I’ve almost made it through a really hard day. I know it will pass. I know that my hair falling out, my eyebrows falling out, the extreme pain and fatigue won’t last forever..tomorrow will hopefully be better and by next week, i’ll be running about like a mad woman again ( figuratively speaking as one does not run) my eyebrows will be back “on fleek” and i’ll waken up in less pain.

I also remind myself on days like today that I don’t have to pretend to be ok. I’m allowed to feel what I feel, but I also always remember that it could be so much worse. It’s really true when they say that there is always someone worse off than yourself. But even though that’s true, it doesn’t make your feeling invalid. Remember that.

If you’ve had a hard day…for whatever reason, just remember that you’ve done it.

You’ve struggled through.

You’ve made it.

Be proud of yourself.

Much love xxx

Eat the cake…

When you don’t have the reason or answers as to why something ended you start questioning yourself. Putting yourself under the microscope. I know I do. I’ve always been my own worst critic.

Was I not pretty enough? Thin enough? Was it because I dyed my hair?

Did I say something or do something wrong? Was I not caring enough? Was I too caring?

Round and round and round, questions swirling like a vortex in my brain.

Maybe you’re like me and you always turn to self blame.

Don’t.

Don’t do that to yourself. Please. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are great as you are.

Don’t starve yourself because you think you need to be thinner. Don’t dye your hair back because they didn’t like the colour. Don’t stop being kind. Don’t stop being you.

At a time where I feel the most unattractive and unwanted……I still ate cake. And you know what? It was good! It’s just my humble opinion, but chocolate cake for breakfast makes for a pretty good day.

Don’t change. Don’t blame yourself and for Gods sake eat the cake. Life is too damn short.

Much love xxx

Quality over quantity. ❤

It’s not about how many friends you have. It’s about having the friends who will listen to you always, without judgement.

Who will let you ugly cry infront of them and hug you.

Who will check in on you, even when you don’t want to talk.

It’s about the friends who are always there, even if you haven’t seen each other in forever.


Particulary now, i’m feeling so grateful for the friends I have in my life. 🥰

The simplest of pleasures…

I’m sitting here in my flannel pyjama bottoms, a big bowl of cereal and watching Pride and Prejudice 🥰

And I feel……content. I know right? It shocked me too 🤣.

I’ve had an emotional rollercoaster the past wee while and to add to that, i’ve had severe Mum guilt about having to work during the holidays and not being able to do a fraction of the things I planned 😥

But. I’m not dwelling on what I can’t change. Guilt comes with the territory of parenthood…and will be part of my daily life forever 🙈😭🤣

For now? I’m enjoying this peaceful moment of drooling over Colin Firth….and I would definitely recommend doing the same if you need a wee pick me up!

Find the simple things that bring you comfort and enjoy them. A book, a film, a hot bath or like in my case, a handsome man emerging from a river in a loose white shirt. 🤣

Enjoy the small things and the simple moments that we usually take for granted. ❤

Much love xx

Choose to be happy…

I woke up today and made a decision. I chose to be happy. I’ve had a week of stewing in my own sadness. I’ve grieved. It won’t be easy, but i’m done with being sad. It’s exhausting.

Let go of what makes you unhappy, and the things you cannot change. Choose to be happy. ❤

Tomorrow will be better.

If you had a bad night…..it’s ok.

We all have nights where we toss and turn, are restless with our minds going over every little detail. It’s ok.

Sometimes there are nights that there may be no specific reason but our bodies don’t want to give in. It’s ok.

Night time is a time of stillness, quiet and when all of our thoughts and worries of the day seem to burst into our heads because we don’t have the distractions of the day.

For me, last night was one of those nights, where I couldn’t switch off. I lay for hours going over everything in my head.

This morning though, I have woken up with a bit more clarity. I may never get the answers I need. I can’t change anything, and I also can’t let it keep me awake at night anymore….hopefully.

It’s ok. It will pass.

Not every night will be like that.

Breathe, rest and hopefully…tomorrow will be better.

Much love xxx

What you need…

We all want many things.

Sometimes we get consumed by having the latest technology, the biggest house, the nicest car and there is nothing wrong with that at all……..IF it brings you happiness.

The dress I bought today? I wanted it (and with £10 off it was calling my name), but as the bulging wardrobe of clothes that I never wear reminds me…..I don’t need it. But. For a moment (Probably until I try it on and it doesn’t fit) it filled a small void. I was able to get out of my slump for that second and imagine wearing it, somewhere nice.

In truth though, it will take more than a dress. At a time when I feel at my lowest I’ve had to have a word with myself about what’s actually important…and then I remembered…….

Even though my life has done a complete 180 in the past couple of weeks, and I don’t have everything I want….I have EVERYTHING that I need.

So remember, even in the worst of times when you think you might never get what you want, or have lost what you had.

This moment:

Right now:

Might just be, exactly what you need. ❤

Much love xxx

Trust the process….

It took me a good while to cry. I really wanted to but it just wasn’t happening.

You might wonder why I would “want” to cry but just like many others, crying is a release. I knew that if I had a good old proper ugly cry, that I would feel better. At least a little bit.

I would usually put on a sad song or a soppy movie and they always do the trick. Not this time. Nothing was working. But then I realised. I can’t force it. I can’t push my body into reacting the way I want it to, so I just had to wait. Wait with the constant sadness in my gut and the continual anxious feeling in my chest.

And then it happened….2 weeks after I wanted it to….

The tears finally started to flow. And flow. And flow. A whole 60 minutes of sobbing, not being able to breath properly and curling up in a ball. It must have looked like a scene from a cheesey break-up movie. 🙈 ( i’m not a pretty crier) 🤣

I think it’s the first time in my life that i’ve felt actual physical pain with crying and sadness. I cried until there was nothing left.

Since then? Yes, the anxious feeling isn’t so bad…the sadness is a tiny bit lighter. I didn’t feel the relief I hoped I would. The relief I can usually get from a good “greet”. I still feel sad, I still feel in physical pain and that nothing makes sense at the minute. In fact, now that the flood gates have opened, i’m finding it hard to close them 🙈🤣

But it’s ok. I’m just going with it.

I’m not going to hide my sadness because I physically can’t. Even having breakfast with my best friend resulted in the awkward “oh god the tears are coming” moments where I would be talking and have to catch my breath necause I didn’t want to sob over my Eggs Benedict. 🙈

Our bodies tell us what we need to do. They let us know when we are stressed, happy, tired, hungry etc…..we have to listen to them and trust the process.

There is no right or wrong. No simple way to get over something. We all react differently in different situations. I’ve reacted so differently this time than I usually would. Trust your body. Trust your mind.

Don’t try to push the sadness down. Don’t try to force a different reaction because you can’t, not in the long term.

Be sad. Have a cry. Or not. Whatever your body tells you to do.

You will in time, feel better. You will feel the load lighten. You will get there.

Much love. Xxx