Your own adventure.

I am so proud of myself.

I can do anything.

Life is amazing.

These have been just a few of the thoughts swirling around my head the past couple of days.

Why? Well, because I was brave.

I decided that I wanted a mini break so I booked a hotel for myself and Martha for 2 nights in a city over 70 miles away that I don’t ever remember going to.

It may seem so trivial but for someone who on her worst days, couldn’t leave the house I feel on top of the world.

Loneliness is a horrible thing.

Anxiety is a horrible thing.

The only thing now I could say that has made a difference is CHOOSING to be alone. I made that decision.

When I felt so alone in my marriage, I didn’t enjoy doing things or taking Martha places on my own because I felt full of anger, disappointment and resentment. I was so lonely.

Now though, i’ve chosen to live the way I live and I think that’s why it’s easier to embrace it.

I put the holiday to the back of my mind until the last minute so I didn’t have time to panic.

I asked myself ” what’s the worst that could happen” i.e…..getting lost and realised that with a full tank of fuel and a SAT NAV we would be fine.

I’ve not been worrying about keeping Martha in the sleeping routine I worked so hard to get her into. Instead we have been reading extra stories and going to bed later in the hotel, and it’s been lovely.

We have been spending money we don’t have on things we don’t need and it has been exhausting, hilarious and magical ❤

I’ve been using my inner child this past couple of days and seeing the magic in everything, from the blue bannisters in the hotel that Martha now wants at home, to the sea lion show at the safari park.

I chose to do it alone.

I didn’t once feel alone.

Goodbye resentment, anger and fear.

I’m going to be happy about the experiences I get to have everyday.

Let go of what’s holding you back.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I would still rather take someone with me when I go places because quite frankly, kids are exhausting and it can be boring playing Anna and Elsa for 3 hours with a tree 😂 but it’s not going to stop me anymore.

As for you. The amazing person you are who takes the time to read my verbal vomit…..

Yes you will still have good days and bad days.

Anxiety doesn’t just fade away overnight, but don’t let it be your main focus.

You can do anything.

You will never be alone.

You‘ve got this.

I’m always here for you.

Much Love xx

 

 

 

 

An accidental day…

This is how our day started and ended…

Snuggled up on the sofa watching a movie. Morning and Night.

We didn’t get dressed today…well not properly anyway. We put on our “exercise clothes” to do yoga this morning..(i’ve exercised for 3 days in a row now) 🤣

I don’t know about you, but when i’m at work I long for us to be together and then when we are, I sometimes feel anxious about how i’ll fill our day. How i’ll manage to have quality time and still get the chores done. There are days that fly by and days that I looong for her bed time.

Today was an accidental chilled day. No food shop needed, nothing planned. It was actually lovely. We played, we laughed, we watched too much telly and Martha had waaay to much time on her tablet.

Even with the stonking sore head I had this afternoon ( and still do) , I was so content.

I can’t actually remember the last time we had a full day in the house without having to nip out atleast once.

Especially now, with another lockdown in place, I think we can feel pressure to make every day stuck at home eventful and exciting…..I know I do. Sometimes it’s just impossible though. We can’t do it all.

Martha actually mentioned doing some school work today ( I know i’m lucky that she enjoys it) but I said no. Not today. We were having a day off today. It was lovely.

I didn’t feel bad she was on her tablet. I didn’t feel bad that we didn’t brush our teeth until the afternoon, and I didn’t feel bad that we didn’t go outside.

I enjoyed the conversations. I enjoyed the cuddles and for Gods sake don’t tell Martha, but I loved playing the BFG on her bedroom floor (obviously her hot water bottle was the B.F.G 💁‍♀️🤣)

For the first time in quite a while I wasn’t anxious. It was bliss.

Times right now are rubbish. But jusy remember that you’re allowed a day off. Just as we sometimes need a day off from parenting, we also need a day off from everything other than that. A day off from routine, from pressure, from structure. A day where anything goes.

An “accidental day”.

Be kind to yourself, please. Know how amazing you are and how well you’re doing.

Much love xxx

Leave yesterday where it was…

Well…..(sigh)….I could have written screeds about the second lockdown last night, but I didn’t want to put a more negative spin on what was already a worrying time.

So I waited. But the truth is, I WAS feeling negative. I had the same knot in my stomach that I had back in March. The same frog in my throat and the same thoughts swirling around in my head. All the “what if’s”.

The past wee while I had been feeling more optimistic about it all, especially after having the first dose of my vaccine….and then yesterday was like getting kicked in the guts again.

We were having a lovely time at the beach when I heard and the worries crept back in.

I don’t want to lose her.

I don’t want her to lose me. I’ve always had a huge fear of dying alone.

However, being on “Mum mode” meant I kept it all in so that she didn’t worry. I explained about lockdown again and how there would be no school for a while and no visits to Granny and Grandads. She takes it all in her stride. ❤

When she was tucked up safely in bed I let it out. I had a wee cry and then pulled myself together. I didn’t want to waken up this morning with the weight of the world on my shoulders.

All we can do is follow the guidance, do our very best to keep safe, keep in touch with each other and try to home school as best we can 🙄

I know it WILL all come good, but I just don’t know when and I don’t want to feel sad and negative the whole time.

So by all means have a wobble. It’s natural to worry, to panic, to overthink…….but we don’t want to let it control every day.

Leave yesterday where it was. Try not to worry about tomorrow.

Focus on today.

One day at a time.

I’m sending everyone the biggest of hugs.

What a world. (Sigh)

Much Love. Xxx

Look at how far you’ve come…

This picture popped up on my phone. A picture that I loathe, but in a strange way that i’m also grateful for. At a time in my life when, due to illness I had gained a huge amount of weight really quickly. At a time when my eyebrows were falling out, my body ached all over and I was also adjusting to becoming a Mum. At a time when I stopped going out much at all, stopped looking in the mirror and stopped loving myself.

I don’t recognise myself.

On a day like today, when i’ve been beating myself up all night because I went out for lunch with a friend and ate a burger…..i’m glad i’ve seen this.

It reminds me to focus on how far i’ve come. It reminds me to love myself. It reminds me that even on the bad days, I feel so much better than I did then. It reminds me to stop. To breathe and remember that that picture, was a small chapter of my life and to stop worrying about the fact i’ve not achieved everything I want to yet. It reminds me that my size was never the problem, my mind was.

And that goes for you too. If you’ve taken the time to read this, remember to be kind to yourself. Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

You are making it through a ridiculously hard, worrying year.

Whether it’s physically, emotionally, mentally or professionally.

Remember how far you’ve come.

Oh, here I am.

You are succeeding.

Much Love. Xxx

Let it go…

There are times when we are trapped in our own heads, fixating on the “what if’s” and the “why me’s”.

Driving ourselves crazy about things we cannot change.

For the past few weeks, i’ve been prisoner to my own thoughts, pondering about where things went wrong and why. Why I suddenly have to face a different future to the one I was expecting to have. I can’t lie. It’s not been easy to come to terms with. But I have.

Today, I had to let it go. I had to realise that I have to get out of my own head, reflect and move on.

I let go of any hurt, anger, confusion…and i’ve accepted that maybe……..just maybe, it’s happened for a reason yet to reveal itself.

We can’t live our lives to the fullest, if we are stuck on the things we can’t change. We might never have the answers we need. We might never understand, but we also might never get any kind of peace unless we let it go.

Always be you.

Always be authentic.

Always be kind.

If we do those things, the right people will want to surround us, be part of our lives, and help us to live the life we deserve to have.

Don’t hate.

Don’t dwell too much.

Don’t doubt how amazing you are.

Don’t focus on what you can’t change.

Just…..let it go…🥰

It won’t be easy. It will take time. But you WILL feel better. You will feel lighter and you will be stronger than ever before.

Much Love xxx

Pamper yourself.

Today, I have put on a full face of make-up. Normally on a day to day basis, it’s a bit of mascara and blush but today, I did the works.

There is absolutely no reason for it. I don’t have anywhere to go other than the supermarket and even then i’m wearing a mask so nobody will see my gorgeous lipstick 😁

I did it for me. I want to feel good today. I want a little spring in my step. I need it.

Today, I wanted to feel attractive. To give myself 15 minutes of pampering, focusing only on myself.

It makes us feel good when we take some time for ourselves. Whether it’s a massage,a hot bath, getting our nails done….we all have that one thing that makes us feel amazing.

We don’t need a reason. We don’t need to feel guilty. We don’t need to feel like it’s not worth it.

Feeling good about yourself is ALWAYS worth it.

Before another week starts, take some time today and pamper yourself. Treat yourself and remind yourself that you are completely worth it. ❤

Much love xxx

We made it through the day!

There are days that are so good, we don’t want them to end and there are days that we can’t wait to be over.

The excitement of having the kids settled in bed, time to watch some trash telly before dragging our exhausted backsides to bed thinking “What a day….thank God that’s over”.

That’s just life, right? Good days and not so good days.

For me, today was a not so good day. Physically I was really struggling. Mentally, I felt drained. It was nothing to do with work, or kids….just the day. But I put up, showed up and got through the working day as best as I could

I don’t write alot about my Hypothyroidism because, well…I don’t really know why…but today it was the cause of all the pain I was in. The exhaustion I felt and the reason I couldn’t plaster a smile on my face and pretend everything was fine like I would usually do. I’m used to the pain and tiredness it provides on a daily basis but occassionally, the absolute turd of a gland in my neck likes to remind me how much it has changed me. Physically and mentally….as if I could ever forget.

However, todays blog isn’t a “woe is me” type thing and i’m not going to witter on about it. My point, is that I’ve almost made it through a really hard day. I know it will pass. I know that my hair falling out, my eyebrows falling out, the extreme pain and fatigue won’t last forever..tomorrow will hopefully be better and by next week, i’ll be running about like a mad woman again ( figuratively speaking as one does not run) my eyebrows will be back “on fleek” and i’ll waken up in less pain.

I also remind myself on days like today that I don’t have to pretend to be ok. I’m allowed to feel what I feel, but I also always remember that it could be so much worse. It’s really true when they say that there is always someone worse off than yourself. But even though that’s true, it doesn’t make your feeling invalid. Remember that.

If you’ve had a hard day…for whatever reason, just remember that you’ve done it.

You’ve struggled through.

You’ve made it.

Be proud of yourself.

Much love xxx

Eat the cake…

When you don’t have the reason or answers as to why something ended you start questioning yourself. Putting yourself under the microscope. I know I do. I’ve always been my own worst critic.

Was I not pretty enough? Thin enough? Was it because I dyed my hair?

Did I say something or do something wrong? Was I not caring enough? Was I too caring?

Round and round and round, questions swirling like a vortex in my brain.

Maybe you’re like me and you always turn to self blame.

Don’t.

Don’t do that to yourself. Please. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are great as you are.

Don’t starve yourself because you think you need to be thinner. Don’t dye your hair back because they didn’t like the colour. Don’t stop being kind. Don’t stop being you.

At a time where I feel the most unattractive and unwanted……I still ate cake. And you know what? It was good! It’s just my humble opinion, but chocolate cake for breakfast makes for a pretty good day.

Don’t change. Don’t blame yourself and for Gods sake eat the cake. Life is too damn short.

Much love xxx

Quality over quantity. ❤

It’s not about how many friends you have. It’s about having the friends who will listen to you always, without judgement.

Who will let you ugly cry infront of them and hug you.

Who will check in on you, even when you don’t want to talk.

It’s about the friends who are always there, even if you haven’t seen each other in forever.


Particulary now, i’m feeling so grateful for the friends I have in my life. 🥰

The simplest of pleasures…

I’m sitting here in my flannel pyjama bottoms, a big bowl of cereal and watching Pride and Prejudice 🥰

And I feel……content. I know right? It shocked me too 🤣.

I’ve had an emotional rollercoaster the past wee while and to add to that, i’ve had severe Mum guilt about having to work during the holidays and not being able to do a fraction of the things I planned 😥

But. I’m not dwelling on what I can’t change. Guilt comes with the territory of parenthood…and will be part of my daily life forever 🙈😭🤣

For now? I’m enjoying this peaceful moment of drooling over Colin Firth….and I would definitely recommend doing the same if you need a wee pick me up!

Find the simple things that bring you comfort and enjoy them. A book, a film, a hot bath or like in my case, a handsome man emerging from a river in a loose white shirt. 🤣

Enjoy the small things and the simple moments that we usually take for granted. ❤

Much love xx

Choose to be happy…

I woke up today and made a decision. I chose to be happy. I’ve had a week of stewing in my own sadness. I’ve grieved. It won’t be easy, but i’m done with being sad. It’s exhausting.

Let go of what makes you unhappy, and the things you cannot change. Choose to be happy. ❤