Just stop.

It’s ironic, that after being on nightshift and currently being awake for 26 hours that I have managed to do more housework today than I have the past week.

I don’t know why.

It happens sometimes that my body seems to get a surge of energy and starts running on adrenaline. Like my body knows that I can’t stop to sit down too long or i’ll conk out.

Then it got me thinking that I spend so much time hating my body that I don’t give it enough credit. For instance, on a daily basis……

I hate it that it doesn’t work properly in so many ways. Especially this past wee while, even the smallest of things like having a period has to become a big issue for my body and something that has to be pushed to the extreme.

I hate it on the days when I struggle to tie my hair up, put on make-up, cook or clean because the physical pain and aching is too much.

I hate it on the days when my hair is out of control, the dark circles under my eyes are rife and when clothes that fit me a few days previously feel tight.

I hate it on the days when it allows my brain to overthink, over analyse and feel anxious.

But on days like today, i’m so proud of it. I’m proud that although far from perfect my body allows me to work, run a home and be a Mum.

It allows me to wake up everyday with a purpose.

My body has helped me come through even the most awful experiences throughout my life and for that i’m so thankful.

So we need to stop. We need to stop being so hard on ourselves. Stop feeling guilty that we are having a bad day. Stop feeling bad that we may have gained the quarantine 15 and our clothes are tighter.

We need to stop. Maybe just to rest. Maybe just to think. Maybe just to start appreciating everything we can do. Maybe just to LISTEN TO OUR BODIES.

Be kind to yourself. On the days when you struggle know for certain that so many others will be struggling too.

But we get up, we get on and we do what needs to be done. We find the energy we need sometimes without even being aware and for that, we are amazing. πŸ₯°

Much love xxx

I hope you read this one day β€

So here I am. Instead of getting your snacks ready for tomorrow or ironing your uniform, i’m having a moment.

Tomorrow is a big day for you and it’s a big day for me too.

You are off to School. You’re 5 and a half (the half is hugely important) and your academic journey is about to begin properly.

You’re nervous.

I’m nervous.

You’re excited.

I’m excited for you.

I remember my first day of school (unbelievable I know as you constantly remind me that i’m old 🀣) but I do. I remember the butterflies in my tummy, the excitement of the unknown. Making friends, learning new things, getting to sit at a school desk. Nowadays they seem like trivial moments but you will be on cloud 9 tomorrow. I promise.

You are so outgoing, a quality I am so envious of, but I was the same at your age. Being able to see the good and magic in everyone and everything. You are so good at that. You melt my heart.

I don’t know how i’ll be tomorrow. As a parent I always accidentaly wish your life away. From the moment you were born I imagined you walking. From the moment you walked I imagined you talking. From the moment you talked (and haven’t stopped talking since πŸ˜‚) I imagined you going to school. How you would find it, if you would like it.

But now it’s here. The moment we put on your uniform and your Dad and I wave you in, our hearts gushing with pride. I promise i’ll try not to cry infront of you and embarrass you.

Don’t get me wrong, there are days when you absolutely do my head in and I can’t wait until I have time to myself πŸ˜‚ days when we bicker and fight, days when i’m exhausted and you don’t stop talking, days when you’re grumpy with me for no reasonπŸ™ˆ

But you’re my best friend. You’re the thing i’m most proud of in the whole world and deep down, i’ll be lost when you’re at school all day.

There will come a time in the future when i’ll let you see this. Maybe this is your first day of Uni, if that’s the path you chose. Maybe it’s your wedding day, or your first day of work. I’ll read it to you when the moment is right.

I just want you to know how much I love you. How proud I am of you and how excited I am for you to be on this journey. You will have ups and downs. You will make best friends and have massive fall-outs. You will have days that are brilliant and days that are rubbish. And on all of the days good or bad, I’ll be there to listen. To help. To support you and if needs be, challenge another parent if their kid is being a butt face πŸ˜‚

I want you to enjoy every single second. The past 6 months have been really trying for everyone and you have handled it all so well, I know you’ll be just fine.

Go tomorrow, flourish, absorb and continue being the positive kind, sassy soul that you are.

Be kind.

Be happy.

Do your best and that’s all I can ask as your Mum.

This is a new chapter in both of our lives. ❀ I have to let you go a little bit. I don’t know if i’m ready for it but you are. You are sooo ready. And tomorrow, just enjoy it. Enjoy being surrounded by children again. Enjoy playtimes and reading time and whatever else they do these days.

It’s an adventure, and I can’t wait to hear all about it. πŸ₯°πŸ₯°

Now, i best go and chop the carrots into sticks as that’s all you’ve been going on about for the past few days πŸ™„πŸ€£

Much love xxx

Judge.

We all do it. We look at other peoples lives and sometimes without even realising, we judge. I do it. You do it. It’s part of human nature.

I often wish I was a fly on the wall, to see the unseen and to the hear all of the opinions and thoughts people have. Mostly because it fascinates me.

It’s easy to judge peoples lives, relationships, families and to assume that we know everything. It just isn’t really worth it though.

A persons business is their own ( unless like me you put everything in a blog ) πŸ˜‚

Especially nowadays when we put every aspect of our lives on social media from where we are, who we are with to what we had for tea. Maybe we all seek some sort of validation? I don’t know. But there is nothing wrong with that. It’s the way civilisation has developed and there is no point in trying to go against it. Just embrace it.

With new relationships especially, people can be quick to judge. ” oh I never pictured them together”. “Oh they seem to be moving quickly” ” I wouldn’t have done that” etc etc it’s all just wasted energy.

What matters the most about someones life, is that they are happy. There are no rules, no time frames, what works for one won’t always work for another. All we can do is be honest.

My current relationship has developed quickly. I’m not sorry about that. When “normally”, dating someone means maybe seeing them a few times a month, there has actually only been a few days that we haven’t seen each other because we make the time and effort. There are no secrets, no skeletons in the closet to take us by surprise. We are honest about past failings and where we went wrong.

It’s refreshing. Now I must admit that looking in on a relationship like mine a year or two ago, I would have been the first to think “oh that’s moving quite fast” but not now. Now when I see someones relationship go from strength to strength, i’m just glad that they are happy. I’m glad that they have found their person. No judgement.

None of us know how long we have with someone. So why not just embrace it. Happiness should be treasured, not criticised. We all do what we think is best for us, our children and anyone we care about.

I’m thankful that those around me see the happiness in me, because it’s been a long time coming.

Don’t judge. Don’t hate. Don’t be bitter.

Find your happiness and grab onto it for dear life.

Be kind. It’s simple ❀

Curves and kindness

Never in a million years would I have gone out wearing a crop top. For someone of my build, with my tummy and of my age it’s just not the done thing……right??

Wrong.

I’m not really sure what came over me today but I found myself reaching for the cropped top that has hung in my wardrobe for over a year. As I put it on I stood and looked……and didn’t hate what I saw.

Now don’t get me wrong, today was probably just a one-off and tomorrow i’ll go back to the worrysome mess of every day, throwing my clothes about in disgust, refusing to look at myself in a full length mirror, but today wasn’t one like that. It was a nice feeling. πŸ₯°

As i’d said in previous blogs, i’ve spent over half of my life hating the way I look, noticing all the negative things instead of the postive things and it’s exhausting

I don’t know if today was a fluke, whether this is the beginning of not giving a crap or whether it’s because i’m with someone who makes me feel amazing…..or maybe a combination of both.

I suppose i’m fed up seeing other people having the guts to wear stuff and having complete envy and admiration towards them. It’s my turn. It’s my turn to feel wanted, confident and happy and i’m embracing every moment.

If my stretch marks, bingo wings, crazy hair, and bare midrift offend anyone else, then that’s their problem. πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ

I hope every day is like today.

I hope the way I feel today lasts for the rest of my life.

So here is to lockdown 2020. Making the most of every crappy situation, eating, drinking, carbing out, finding my person and daring to bare my stomach. Life is too damned short. πŸ₯°πŸ₯°

If you take anything away after reading this, I want it to be….to go for it. Eat what you want, wear what ever the hell you like and for Pete’s sake (whoever Pete is)…..just love it.

We never know if we have a tomorrow so I know for sure I want to have today with my tummy out, my hair wild and my VPL well and truly on show.

Much love xxx

Feeling free ❀

As an over thinker and worrier, I’ve always struggled to completely let myself go. Physically and emotionally. Worrying too much about what people think of me and I know i’m not alone in that.

In a strange way, lockdown has brought with it a security blanket. Not going out means not having to worry as much about what i’m wearing, whether my eyebrows are “on fleek” or if my arms are out. (See previous blogs about bingo wings) πŸ˜‚

It’s also brought with it a new relationship. Something I never saw happening. Loads of friends said “It will happen when you least expect it” and to be quite honest, I thought they were talking crap πŸ€·β€β™€οΈπŸ˜‚

But it HAS happened. There he was, under my nose the whole time. Someone who already, in such a short space of time, has allowed me to be completely myself. For the first time in my life I don’t have to worry. He has seen me at my worst and still didn’t judge. When my self-consciousness and sadness has been at the forefront-he didn’t run.

Within a couple of days, I felt more relaxed, more comfortable. Without even knowing it he has given me the ability to be unapologetically me. Whether i’m dolled up to the nines, or whether I have birds nest hair and no face on- he looks at me the same way.

It has been an intense rollercoaster. It’s been scary and wonderful all at the same time.

I get it now.

I get the way i’m supposed to feel about myself, and about someone else. I understand it finally. The butterflies, the lust, the kindness, the freedom. No expectation to be something i’m not. No pretending to be something i’m not. God it’s surreal. I keep expecting to waken up….or for him to come to his senses πŸ€·β€β™€οΈπŸ˜‚ but I feel secure.

Happiness, contentment, understanding and feeling wanted are flippin’ brilliant feelings to have. 😁

Freedom. To have my bingo wings flailing about without worrying. Freedom. To tie my hair back if it get’s too crazy which would have been unheard of before as it hides my face . Such small things in the grand scheme of everything going on, but hugely important. Freedom to sit without covering my waist. Freedom to say what I want and how I feel.

I think most important, I now have the ability to let someone in, and I have. ❀

I have no idea what the future will bring, but I know that i’m excited about it….complete freedom. Sounds pretty good to me 😁

Much Love x

Thankful.

I’ve started writing a blog so many times recently, but I haven’t finished it because they have mainly been about fear, anxiety and negativity. There has been so much of that with everything going on that I didn’t want to add to it.

Today though….today was different. Why? Well because it’s my birthday πŸ™‚

A day that’s usually just like any other but I knew this one would be different being a “lockdown” birthday. Instead of being negative and worried, i’ve been focusing on the good things.

My beautiful, loving 5 year old daughter who, despite her whole life being so different right now was still so excited about giving me my present this morning. Who has adapted so well to all the changes. Who has put up with me on days when i’m really struggling. I am so thankful for her.

My family. I’m not ashamed to admit that even as a fully fledged adult myself I still love going to my mums for a birthday tea 😍 This year was different but with her having a huuuuuuuuge garden, we were still able to go an visit whilst keeping our distance. I am thankful.

Work. Yes, the thought of having my alarm set for 5.30am tomorrow for a an early shift and the constant worry of either taking the virus in, or bringing it out is always at the forefront of my mind. I am still able to work and i’m thankful for that. ❀

My Friends. Goodness me am I lucky. I have taken for granted going for lunches and coffees with them all. Not anymore. Texting, facetiming and interaction on social media can sometimes seem a bit…well…..second nature. Liking a post, sharing a post is sometimes done automatically without actually paying full attention. How thankful I am for all forms of social media at the moment. How thankful I am for the messages, calls and interactions that help to remind me that i’m thought about and that we are all going through this together.

For not sweating the small stuff. As a serial over thinker, it can be the “small stuff” that stresses me the most. Finding time to make appointments to go to the beauty salon for that all important but painful “tidy up”. Having to go to the supermarket AGAIN because i’ve forgotten the one thing I went in for. I’m ok with those things just now. I’m ok that my bikini line is so out of control, there isn’t even a line there anymore πŸ™ˆπŸ˜‚πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ I’m ok if I forget something from the shop….i’ll just use up what I have in. πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ It’s forcing me to be a bit more creative ( although not with the bikini jungle…other than put in a pigtail or take some hedge shears to it I don’t really know what else to try) πŸ˜‚ but it’s ok because nobody sees it anyway. See? Look at me maturing and looking at the silver lining. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Health. I am so so thankful that I still have my health and that this virus hasn’t taken hold of anyone close to me. I may have a kitten any time Martha clears her throat and ram a thermometer in her ear, and I may worry constantly day in and day out like everybody else but that’s human nature in times like these. I try not to let it overwhelm me. I’ve had my wobbles and my nights of crying uncontrolably but not today. Today was good.

That’s right. Today was good. I didn’t worry about the virus, or the fact that my health eating was going out of the window for a day. I ate carbs and it was good πŸ™‚ I spent the day surrounded by the people who mean the most to me in the whole world. Not physically, but they were there all the same

So as I write this, glass of wine in hand, pubic hair down to my knees and bloated from the complex carbohydrates that are ruining my digestive system πŸ™ˆπŸ˜‚ I am thankful. I am happy. I am smiling. What is normally a mediocre day has been a really special one. I’ve really felt the love and I will be paying it forward

Be safe, be kind, be present. Take one day at a time and know that tomorrow should be better. We might not know when this will end, but it will.

Have I told you you’re amazing? Well you are! And don’t bloomin’ forget it. ❀

Much love. Xx

How many times can you try?

Online dating is a jungle. I’ve never blogged about the fact that I had signed up to online dating but i’d never hidden it from those close to me. It was something I always vowed I would never do, but in a solely female work environment and in a time when everyone is glued to their phones on a night out instead of scoping out the room for a mate, I felt it was worth a shot.

I’ve had many great, fun dates and on the whole no crazy disaster stories to tell. I’ve met some lovely guys and sometimes they are great but the spark or chemistry just hasn’t been there and that’s fine because that’s what it’s all about. It’s better to be honest and frank about that after a first date, than leading someone down a misleading path.

There have been a few with great potential, a few dates and i’ve started to let my guard down. I never hide the fact that i’m an old romantic and can get over excited. πŸ€·β€β™€οΈπŸ˜‚

There has been a running pattern that i’ve noticed recently though…..being told one thing only for them to do the opposite. The compliments, the messages, the video calls for hours at a time…even the person with the hardest of hearts would start to soften. You WANT to believe these things. You WANT to believe that there is a happily ever after out there and you open yourself up knowing there is a risk. You make yourself vulnerable. It’s an absolute whirlwind.

Each time there is heartbreak and disappointment, the gate over your heart starts to rust shut even tighter and the triple- lock padlock seals into place.

That is my life now. I question myself everyday anyway but when something like this happens, you start to wonder not how, but IF you will ever be able to trust anyone again.

Someone who gave you butterflies. Someone who seen your soul. Someone who you discussed a future with, who you could SEE a future with then breaks your heart….and tells you over a message πŸ™„ Someone who never gave mixed messages and was frank and honest….until now.

I’ve realised that 1. I’m an ugly crier πŸ˜­πŸ™ˆπŸ˜‚ and 2. That even if I meet the right person in the future, I won’t believe that they are because I will be waiting for the red flags and the back- tracking( or them running back to their ex πŸ™„) so will shut them out even if it’s unintentionally. I will become self- destructive to my own future.

Words are cheap. It’s easy to talk the talk but for the love of God, just be honest. Don’t tell someone you are falling for them and see a future if you don’t. It’s dangerous.

I don’t really know where I go from here. Is it karma for me ending my marriage? Maybe. If so, then i’ll take it on the chin. Will I be 80 and alone living with 35 cats? As dramatic as it seems just now, it seems like the safest bet. I’ve never been a gambler and i’m fed up with betting my heart and losing it.

I need to clarify that this is not an “I hate men” blog. Men are great! I love men! But I definitely don’t trust my own judgement anymore when it comes to picking one. So i’m not going to anymore.

On the plus side, I will save some money on bikini waxes and I can grow my leg hair out so I won’t need to wear tights πŸ˜‚

Just think. Think about how your words and actions can affect a person. Don’t try to rescue them if you aren’t going to keep them. ❀

Much love…..from an ugly crying, over emotional busyworkingmum ❀❀

What’s for you….

Blogging has been a huge help to me. Like keeping a journal, i can type out my verbal vomit and release it from my mind. If I can help someone too? Even better.

Recently, i’ve felt a bit all over the place and I suppose, downtrodden. The hum-drum of daily living, working and housework ( which never seems to make the place look any better πŸ™ˆ) have all just been constant chore.

It’s no secret in my family that i’m completely jinxed when it comes to things breaking or going wrong.πŸ˜‚ Whether it’s something as simple as my wardrobe rail breaking and my clothes having to lie on the floor for a week, small things can be enough to put me into a spin. I sometimes feel like i’m juggling so many balls in the air that it’s just a matter of time before they all come crashing down.

I’m naturally a pessamist. It’s a self-protection thing that I found has protected me from disappointment. Healthy? No….and i’m working on it.

I’m really trying this year to focus on the positive things and the positive people who have come into my life, but it can be really challenging. I’m very fortunate to have people who can pick me up when i’m down. ❀

I’m focusing on what I want out of life and striving to get there. Everyday I try to visualise it. You should too. If today like me, you are feeling run down, sad, worried even if there doesn’t have to be a reason. Know that it will pass. Focus on the end goal, but don’t put too much pressure on yourself to get there so quickly. Baby steps. Take your time. Breathe. If you can’t face washing a 6th load of dishes…just leave them. Get the chocolate out of the cupboard, have a cry and stick on Netflix.

As my Granny always says “What’s for you will not go past you”. Do I believe you, Granny? I’m not so sure….but I WANT to believe you and that’s what matters.

We need to make decisions about WHAT we WANT in life. WHO we want in our lives and find a way to make it happen.

Here is to finding a future, even through the exhausted fog. And here is to blogging. Lordy it’s good 😁😁

Much Love xxx

For anyone who needs to hear it….

I’ve started a few blogs in the past few days that I haven’t finished because my mind has been a jumble of thoughts.

I’ve been thinking a lot about resolutions and the emphasis put on them. Why wait for a New Year though? Change the things you want to change at any time. Only you can do it.

I could have promised that I would stop eating as much junk…but would have failed by Jan 2nd πŸ™ˆ

I could have done the whole cliche of “i’m going to give up this…or that..” but I know it wouldn’t have gone well.

I have been reflecting a LOT. 2019 was a year of some major lows, but also some brilliant highs. Yes, i’m glad it’s over but I wouldn’t change it.

I realised that if I had to make a resolution, it would be to stop apologising for myself and to stop putting myself down. Not just for 2020 but for ever.

I’ve spent too long making jokes about myself as a defense mechanism. I’ve spent too long feeling embarrassed about my looks. I’ve spent too long apologising…….for being who I am.

My mindset has always naturally been more negative than positive. I was of the opinion that If I expect the worst of every situation then I can’t be disappointed. If I make jokes about myself then nobody else can. If I look at the floor when I walk into a room, then I can’t see people judging me.

It’s all crap.

I have taken some huge life changing steps this past year. I have cried more than I have done ever in my life, I’ve been scared, lonely, emotionally and physically exhausted but never once have I regretted the decisions i’ve made. I’ve also met some amazing new people. I’m putting myself out there-not just in the world of dating- but in every day life. I’m speaking out more if I have a problem with something. I’m gigging in a band. I’m realising more and more that I am more than capable of anything, and every experience I have good or bad teaches me something new about myself.

I have the most amazing family and friends. I have my own home, a job and a life that I know i’m lucky to have and this past year has really shown that I wouldn’t be who I am without the best people around me.

So this is it. I’m never going to apologise for writing my blog….if people don’t want to read it then that’s ok.

I’m never going to apologise for being tired and the housework not getting done.

I’m never going to apologise for not being a size 10…it has taken up too much of my time already.

I’m never going to apologise for having an off day, feeling overwhelmed, anxious or depressed.

And neither should you

Never apologise for being you. You have so much strength, so much ability. Maybe you are the quiet, almost distant type…that’s ok. Maybe you’re loud, outgoing and a little OTT. That’s ok too. There is no right or wrong.

Despite all our different personalities and traits, most of us just want the same thing. Happiness, contentment and someone to love, who loves us equally in return.

I know i’ll find those things…one day.

If you haven’t found it yet, you will.

Just keep being you. No apologies.

Happy 2020

Much love xx

Unbreakable.

20191119_015749

This whole year,Β  all 10 months and 15 days since I ended my relationship, i’ve been too focused on showing that everything is fine. That I had my crap together. That I could be on my own, be a Mum and a provider without needing anybody.Β  Afterall, everything has been my decision so I had no right to complain or feel stressed right?

Wrong.

I’ve realised it’s ok.

To be sad;

To grieve;

For what I wanted for my life, for my broken heart.

I don’t have to be strong all the time.

I felt like I was suffocating by not allowing myself to feel sad. I had to be strong….or so I thought.

I never thought that at 31 I would be a single parent. I don’t think anybody ever wants that. But it is what it is and i’ve tried my best to embrace it, by focusing on Martha and getting used to being on my own. In some ways it has been really good for me.

Lyrics in a song I heard tonight really stuck with me. “THIS SHOULD HAVE ALL WORKED OUT BY NOW”Β  Β “I’M NOT UNBREAKABLE…..I’M BREAKING RIGHT NOW”.

This was exactly how I felt for the past couple of years and still do occassionally.

Sure, taking some time off was just what I needed and almost overnight I was sleeping better, eating better. I had to stop worrying about everyone else and focus on myself just for a couple of weeks. I had to sleep, to cry, to wallow and feel sorry for myself because it’s a natural process.

On nights like tonight when i’m up in 5 hours but just can’t get my brain to switch off. On nights like this when I miss having someone there. When I miss the feeling of someone lying beside me, or hearing them breathe. That security of knowing that i’m not on my own and that when I have one of my many recent nightmares, that there will be someone there to comfort me.

I worry that because I’ve said that I’ll never settle for anything less than what I want/need….that i’m asking too much.

I want to meet someone. I wasn’t built to be on my own.

I want to be loved.

I want passion and excitement and adventure.

And yet i’m so scared to give my heart to someone because I couldn’t stand it getting broken again. I’m not unbreakable. I feel a bit like a ceramic vase that has been smashed and glued back together. On the surface it looks fine. Look a bit closer and there are cracks. Look even further in and you see just how damaged and fragile it has become.

To be honest, i’m not sure what the point of this blog is, but all I will say is that so many people have messaged me since i’ve started writing them and it’s ok. It’s ok to have off days and sad days and it’s equally ok to have happy days, to find happiness with someone else without judgement. To allow yourself to breathe.

You will get through everything in your own time, in your own way and there is no right or wrong. You are all amazing.

I hope that one day I will find someone to fill my heart with joy (other than the amazing friends I already have) someone who will know me inside out who I can completely be myself with.

I don’t know if or when it will happen but until then, i’ll carry on taking one day at a time grieving and coping in my own way because that’s all we can do.

To anyone who needs to hear it.

You are a warrior. You are amazing. I love you.

 

 

Much love. Xxx