Sometimes we get consumed by having the latest technology, the biggest house, the nicest car and there is nothing wrong with that at all……..IF it brings you happiness.
The dress I bought today? I wanted it (and with £10 off it was calling my name), but as the bulging wardrobe of clothes that I never wear reminds me…..I don’t need it. But. For a moment (Probably until I try it on and it doesn’t fit) it filled a small void. I was able to get out of my slump for that second and imagine wearing it, somewhere nice.
In truth though, it will take more than a dress. At a time when I feel at my lowest I’ve had to have a word with myself about what’s actually important…and then I remembered…….
Even though my life has done a complete 180 in the past couple of weeks, and I don’t have everything I want….I have EVERYTHING that I need.
So remember, even in the worst of times when you think you might never get what you want, or have lost what you had.
It took me a good while to cry. I really wanted to but it just wasn’t happening.
You might wonder why I would “want” to cry but just like many others, crying is a release. I knew that if I had a good old proper ugly cry, that I would feel better. At least a little bit.
I would usually put on a sad song or a soppy movie and they always do the trick. Not this time. Nothing was working. But then I realised. I can’t force it. I can’t push my body into reacting the way I want it to, so I just had to wait. Wait with the constant sadness in my gut and the continual anxious feeling in my chest.
And then it happened….2 weeks after I wanted it to….
The tears finally started to flow. And flow. And flow. A whole 60 minutes of sobbing, not being able to breath properly and curling up in a ball. It must have looked like a scene from a cheesey break-up movie. 🙈 ( i’m not a pretty crier) 🤣
I think it’s the first time in my life that i’ve felt actual physical pain with crying and sadness. I cried until there was nothing left.
Since then? Yes, the anxious feeling isn’t so bad…the sadness is a tiny bit lighter. I didn’t feel the relief I hoped I would. The relief I can usually get from a good “greet”. I still feel sad, I still feel in physical pain and that nothing makes sense at the minute. In fact, now that the flood gates have opened, i’m finding it hard to close them 🙈🤣
But it’s ok. I’m just going with it.
I’m not going to hide my sadness because I physically can’t. Even having breakfast with my best friend resulted in the awkward “oh god the tears are coming” moments where I would be talking and have to catch my breath necause I didn’t want to sob over my Eggs Benedict. 🙈
Our bodies tell us what we need to do. They let us know when we are stressed, happy, tired, hungry etc…..we have to listen to them and trust the process.
There is no right or wrong. No simple way to get over something. We all react differently in different situations. I’ve reacted so differently this time than I usually would. Trust your body. Trust your mind.
Don’t try to push the sadness down. Don’t try to force a different reaction because you can’t, not in the long term.
Be sad. Have a cry. Or not. Whatever your body tells you to do.
You will in time, feel better. You will feel the load lighten. You will get there.
There are days when we don’t want to get out of bed.
There are days when putting one foot infront of the other seems like the biggest effort in the world.
There are days when we feel so sad that we wonder if we will ever feel happy again.
But we do. We get out of bed. We put one foot infront of the other and we plaster a smile on our faces.
There will come a day, even though it might feel like an eternity away that we will wake up and it won’t feel so hard to get out bed. That carrying on isn’t so hard and gradually, happiness will come back.
It might not be today. It might not be tomorrow……but it will happen. Why? Well, because it has to, right? It has to get better. It has to get easier because we have no choice. We have people who depend on us. Who care. Who love us and need us.
We do it for them. For the people in our lives who are always there. Who pick us up when we fall. Who see the beauty in us, even when we can’t see it in ourselves.
There is always someone. Whether it be our children, our friends, our family…..there is always a reason to get out of bed and show up……even when it feels like the hardest thing in the world. ❤
We can drive ourselves crazy; overthinking, over -analysing worrying about what may or may not happen.
I know I do.
I know I always worry that i’m not good enough, kind enough, pretty enough, thin enough. The slightest of things can spiral us into the depths of self- loathing and self-doubt.
But please don’t. We can’t change someone to deal with things in a different way. Just like we can’t change the way we ourselves deal with it.
What I’m realising more and more is that you can’t control what’s going to happen. You can drive yourself around the bend and I know for me, jumping to worst case scenario is always a self-preservation thing….like, if I expect the worst to happen then I can’t be disappointed right? I know it’s not a healthy way to be, but our minds are the way they are. Good or bad.
You can shut down, need the space. You can feel empty and confused. You can feel angry. You can feel sad. You might like to be solitary in such times or you might like to surround yourself with people. You might like to talk. You might like to be silent.
Regardless of how you deal with things, worrying only makes it worse. Nothing will change the outcome. All you can do is reassure, support and be honest. You don’t have to be the same as someone else.
Try to understand that your way of dealing with stuff isn’t wrong. We all do what we have to do to get us through such times.
Although easier said than done, try not to worry. Try to be happy. Things will turn out they way they turn out. For better, or for worse.
We all want and need different things out of a relationship. I guess there isn’t really a right or wrong, it’s down to that particular person.
For me, the one thing I need above all else is time. Time with that person. Laughing, making memories and being a priority to someone. I think it’s only natural to want someone to think about you 💁♀️.
It’s so nice to have. It’s so nice to feel important and to have the feeling that someone wants to make you smile.
It doesn’t have to be anything special or expensive. It doesn’t have to be all day or night. It can be jumping in the car and seeing where you end up. It could be sharing a bottle of wine whilst catching up with “Married at First Sight Australia” ( Other shows are available 🤣) or it could even be nipping to the supermarket together.
In and around all of these seemingly easy tasks there are moments. Moments in time that you keep a hold of. A smile. A joke. A look. Something that etches in your brain and creates a memory.
That’s what I need. That’s what I now have and it sometimes feels so strange, but in the best way.
Now don’t get me wrong, “stuff” can be nice. Getting things or gifts can be lovely and has it’s place but for the most part, it’s unimportant.
“Things” can be replaced. “Things” can end up having more priority to someone than who they have in their life. Memories are what is important. Memories are what help us thrive. Memories, both good and bad can make us appreciate what we have.
We all get bogged down with day to day life, forgetting to make ourselves a priority let alone someone else. But it can be the best thing and it’s worth making time for.
And so begins two whole weeks of annual leave. To say i’m excited is an understatement. It’s unheard of that I take so much time off at one go, usually just the odd long weekend here and there when taking part in concerts/gigs etc. It then doesn’t feel like time off because that time is replaced with another task.
At first, I was disheartened that I couldn’t be off when the schools were off, but rather than get into my usual negative mindset, I chose to look at it differently.
This is time for me.
Time to spend with the people I love the most. Time to spend catching up on the tasks within the house that I usually feel too exhausted to do. Time without having to worry about getting home from work at 10.30pm and being back in the following day for 7.30am.
Time to prioritise myself.
Time to cook, time to clean. The simple things that are usually so rushed.
A whole fortnight without Mum guilt and worrying about childcare. I can be there every day to do the school run if I need to be. 🥰
Of course, I have some plans. Plans for some loooooong overdue catch-ups with friends who I care about deeply and can’t wait to see.
Plans with my person, spending quality time together during the days. Walks, picnics, introducing him to The Green Mile ( I know, I can’t believe he hasn’t seen it either). ❤
I have however, not planned too many things. I don’t want to feel stressed,or overwhelmed. I want every day to bring some kind of joy and sometimes the last minute impromptu things are the best 🥰
We spend our lives putting everything infront of ourselves whether it’s work or family. Our day to day routine ( if we have one) takes priority.
It’s really ok. Go on the date you have been putting off. Go for a walk, go to the gym, or sit and watch telly for 5 hours if that’s what makes you happy. Whatever. It doesn’t matter what it is. What matters is that you spend time with yourself as well as other people. Identify your own needs and try to do something about them.
Don’t feel pressure, don’t feel stressed. Even if it’s half an hour, find something just for you and remember who you are.
I know that i’m my own worst enemy. Overthinking everything is exhausting but it just seems to be the way i’m wired.
How we react to events or situations says a lot about who we are….or how we are. Past experiences can have a lingering effect, even if we don’t realise it at the time and although we shouldn’t dwell on the past and embrace the present it isn’t always so easy.
At the moment, i’m finding that I worry alot. Not because bad things are happening, but more because good things are. It’s the strangest thing. For the first time I feel good enough, I feel wanted and cared for. But it’s almost like i’m just waiting on something going wrong even though I have no reason to feel that way. So when something changes, I automatically assume that the moment has come. The moment i’m no longer enough. The moment when my over thinking and my love of meaningful conversations gets too much.
I’m trying to stop. I’m tying to let go of past thoughts and anxieties, enjoy the present and living in the moment. I’m trying to think more positively without always assuming that i’ll do or say something to balls it up.
I’m trying, i’m adapting, i’m healing. We all need reassurance. The saying goes that “Actions speak louder than words” and I believe that’s partly true but words have their place.
Don’t assume you know what someone is thinking or saying….because it’s probably the opposite. Things that I read waaaaay too much into and worry about are never really even issues at all.
Say how you feel, be open, honest. Enjoy happiness. It shouldn’t be something we worry about. Nobody knows what’s around the corner we all just have to carry on being kind, communicating and prioritising each other in our lives.
It’s ironic, that after being on nightshift and currently being awake for 26 hours that I have managed to do more housework today than I have the past week.
I don’t know why.
It happens sometimes that my body seems to get a surge of energy and starts running on adrenaline. Like my body knows that I can’t stop to sit down too long or i’ll conk out.
Then it got me thinking that I spend so much time hating my body that I don’t give it enough credit. For instance, on a daily basis……
I hate it that it doesn’t work properly in so many ways. Especially this past wee while, even the smallest of things like having a period has to become a big issue for my body and something that has to be pushed to the extreme.
I hate it on the days when I struggle to tie my hair up, put on make-up, cook or clean because the physical pain and aching is too much.
I hate it on the days when my hair is out of control, the dark circles under my eyes are rife and when clothes that fit me a few days previously feel tight.
I hate it on the days when it allows my brain to overthink, over analyse and feel anxious.
But on days like today, i’m so proud of it. I’m proud that although far from perfect my body allows me to work, run a home and be a Mum.
It allows me to wake up everyday with a purpose.
My body has helped me come through even the most awful experiences throughout my life and for that i’m so thankful.
So we need to stop. We need to stop being so hard on ourselves. Stop feeling guilty that we are having a bad day. Stop feeling bad that we may have gained the quarantine 15 and our clothes are tighter.
We need to stop. Maybe just to rest. Maybe just to think. Maybe just to start appreciating everything we can do. Maybe just to LISTEN TO OUR BODIES.
Be kind to yourself. On the days when you struggle know for certain that so many others will be struggling too.
But we get up, we get on and we do what needs to be done. We find the energy we need sometimes without even being aware and for that, we are amazing. 🥰