This whole year, all 10 months and 15 days since I ended my relationship, i’ve been too focused on showing that everything is fine. That I had my crap together. That I could be on my own, be a Mum and a provider without needing anybody. Afterall, everything has been my decision so I had no right to complain or feel stressed right?
I’ve realised it’s ok.
To be sad;
For what I wanted for my life, for my broken heart.
I don’t have to be strong all the time.
I felt like I was suffocating by not allowing myself to feel sad. I had to be strong….or so I thought.
I never thought that at 31 I would be a single parent. I don’t think anybody ever wants that. But it is what it is and i’ve tried my best to embrace it, by focusing on Martha and getting used to being on my own. In some ways it has been really good for me.
Lyrics in a song I heard tonight really stuck with me. “THIS SHOULD HAVE ALL WORKED OUT BY NOW” “I’M NOT UNBREAKABLE…..I’M BREAKING RIGHT NOW”.
This was exactly how I felt for the past couple of years and still do occassionally.
Sure, taking some time off was just what I needed and almost overnight I was sleeping better, eating better. I had to stop worrying about everyone else and focus on myself just for a couple of weeks. I had to sleep, to cry, to wallow and feel sorry for myself because it’s a natural process.
On nights like tonight when i’m up in 5 hours but just can’t get my brain to switch off. On nights like this when I miss having someone there. When I miss the feeling of someone lying beside me, or hearing them breathe. That security of knowing that i’m not on my own and that when I have one of my many recent nightmares, that there will be someone there to comfort me.
I worry that because I’ve said that I’ll never settle for anything less than what I want/need….that i’m asking too much.
I want to meet someone. I wasn’t built to be on my own.
I want to be loved.
I want passion and excitement and adventure.
And yet i’m so scared to give my heart to someone because I couldn’t stand it getting broken again. I’m not unbreakable. I feel a bit like a ceramic vase that has been smashed and glued back together. On the surface it looks fine. Look a bit closer and there are cracks. Look even further in and you see just how damaged and fragile it has become.
To be honest, i’m not sure what the point of this blog is, but all I will say is that so many people have messaged me since i’ve started writing them and it’s ok. It’s ok to have off days and sad days and it’s equally ok to have happy days, to find happiness with someone else without judgement. To allow yourself to breathe.
You will get through everything in your own time, in your own way and there is no right or wrong. You are all amazing.
I hope that one day I will find someone to fill my heart with joy (other than the amazing friends I already have) someone who will know me inside out who I can completely be myself with.
I don’t know if or when it will happen but until then, i’ll carry on taking one day at a time grieving and coping in my own way because that’s all we can do.
To anyone who needs to hear it.
You are a warrior. You are amazing. I love you.
Much love. Xxx