Someone loves your face.

I FORCED myself to get out of bed today.

I FORCED myself to clean the bathroom.

I FORCED myself to play Anna and Elsa with Martha when really all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry.

I FORCED myself to strip the beds and launder them.

Some days are just harder than others. Not just for me, but for you too i’m sure.

The days when you feel like time is going so slowly.

The days when you feel like nothing is right and there doesn’t even have to be a reason.

The days when you are lying wide awake at 1am because your mind is just swirling around and around.

The days when you just want to be alone, but also hate being alone.

Relate?

I apologised to Martha today. She was doing absolutely nothing wrong. She was being 4. She was being excitable. She was being her most amazing self.

I, on the other hand was tired, and grumpy and impatient. I had the beds to strip and the bathroom to clean and the washing up to do. I had to drag her around the shop whilst I was deciding on paint for the hallway.

But rather than being difficult and moany like she would have had every right to do, she looked up at me from the shopping trolley and said “Mummy, I just love your face”. ❤

Despite everything, even on the days when I feel like all I do is shout, she loves my face. On the days when i’m sad or hurting, she loves my face.

On the days when I’m disappointed that my plans have fallen through. She loves my face.

There is no judgement, no holding grudges, she just “loves my face”.

So remember, it doesn’t matter if you sometimes feel like you’ve failed. If like me, you’ve gone to bed and forgotten to put the bedding back on so are sleeping on a bare mattress with a bare quilt 🙄😂

If you’ve not managed to tick off any boxes from your To-Do list.

If you’re feeling disappointed, frustrated, stressed, depressed…..it really is OK.

Know why?

We are human.

We can plaster a smile on our faces, hide our struggles and pains with humour, we can feel like lying in a dark room for a week.

We can laugh,

We can cry,

We can shout,

We can fail because at the end of the hardest days, there will always be someone who “loves your face” ❤

Remember that.

Cherish it.

Don’t ever feel alone.

Much love xxx

How are you?

“How are you?” is a question we all ask each other pretty much every day.

But how often do we tell the truth? My automatic response is always “I’m good thanks, how are you?”

Recently, it’s been a blatant lie.

I’m not good.

I’m not ok.

Everyday has been a battle.

To get out of bed, to get dressed, to speak to people, to go to work. God, what an effort it has been.

I cried today.

I cried yesterday.

I’ve cried every day for at least a month.

I know i’m not the only one who feels like this but at the time, you feel alone.

I want to seem like my life is sussed. That I can do it all. That I can be a single mum, still work, still be there for my daughter, and still have some kind of social life.

But I can’t. I can’t do it all. Something always has to give. I feel guilty all the time for everything. For going to work, for not having dinner prepared in advance, for not having the housework done, for not having the energy to play with Martha after a hard day because i’m physically exhausted, for not being unpacked yet since we moved in. I look around and just feel overwhelmed.

Yes, my hypothyroidism plays a big part with the physical exhaustion, but I can usually identify and manage that .

This has been different.

My anxiety has been through the roof.

A constant knot in my stomach. All day. Every single day.

I’m there for any friend or family member, at any time but i’ve realised I haven’t been there for myself. I haven’t been taking the time I need to make sure i’m sleeping properly, eating properly. I haven’t even been blogging because I feel like I have nothing to say.

So enough is enough.

I’m taking time. Whether it’s a few days or a few weeks off work, I don’t know yet but i’m taking time to get on top of things, and to look after myself.

I’m setting myself just one task each da to get on top of all the household jobs….i know I will then feel less trapped.

This blog is by no means a sympathy post but my hope is that some of my followers will read it and realise they aren’t alone.

It’s ok not to cope all the time.

It’s ok to burn out and take some time to re-charge.

It’s ok to go and get your hair done or get a massage or just sit in your pj’s for a day.

I’m so lucky I have an amazing support network and even at 31, cry on the phone to my Mum.

Unless we look after ourselves, we can’t look after anyone else. I need to start self- love again and try to leave th guilt behind.

So do you. I know you can….

We can do it together.

Much Love. ❤

It’s ok to be alone.

I haven’t been blogging recently because I feel like my mind has been a huge clutter of thoughts and emotions.

Between work and home i’ve been exhausted and overwhelmed. It can be easy to let things get on top of us and not take some time out.

Today I had the opportunity to get some much needed housework done whilst Martha is at her Dads, which allowed me to get it done without feeling guilty by not playing with her.

I didn’t have music on, I wasn’t singing. I was focusing on the tasks in hand and ticking them off one by one. Hurrah!

Afterwards though, I suppose all the thoughts i’d been pushing to the back of my mind for weeks came to the forefront. One in particular…

CHRISTMAS….that’s right, I said the “C Word” and it isn’t even October 😂

I’ve been inwardly worrying about it for a while, not just from the financial aspect but also knowing that it will be the first Christmas that i’ve spent on my own.

It’s my favourite time of year, and for me, Christmas is a day that’s full of magic and love. Being one of 5 siblings it was always carnage in our house with wrapping paper everywhere and lots and lots of noise!

This year is going to be different for me. Once all the magic of the santa presents is over, Martha will be going to spend time with her Dad and I will no doubt head over to my Mums for some food. That will be great but My Lord will I miss her. Seeing Christmas through a Childs eyes is the best part.😍

I know I will have a lovely time with my family but then it will be over, and it will be time for me to head home.

The more I think about it though, the more I think it will be fine. Yes, I might put on a soppy Christmas movie and cry my eyes out whilst stuffing my face with Marzipan, but it will be ok.

I’ll be alone, but I won’t be lonely and that’s the difference.

Being alone for me, is much better than being in a relationship and feeling lonely.

I’m not lonely.

I’m not sad.

In fact the longer i’m on my own, the more I realise it’s ok to be alone….but I won’t lie……I don’t want to be forever. ❤

Being a woman is hard: period.

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Not every blog starts with a picture of a uterus and a chainsaw…..but mine does.

To be honest, periods aren’t talked about enough. It’s the British thing I think of being very “hush hush” when it comes to anything to do with menstruation.

I mean for goodness sake, i’m 31 years old and I still get embarrassed about buying sanitary products, rushing them through the self-service checkout before anyone can see that i’ve bought products for a heavy flow. 😬

Yesterday was a bad day…it was the first day of my cycle and quite frankly, I felt like someone was stabbing me in the foof with a red hot poker, whilst simultaneously ramming a blow torch into my womb.

20 years.

20 years so far of experiencing periods…or “The Blob” as my ex used to call it 🤢

Subtracting the 9 months of my life that I was pregnant, that’s an average of 200 weeks of my life that have been hell.

Now I know some women sail through menstruation without side effects…but I don’t know many.

For me and many others it starts a rollercoaster of a week that you just dread 🙄

First: the tiredness. Jeezy peeps i’m surprised we can stay upright for as long as we do. With my hypothyroidism i’m used to feeling like i’ve been hit by a bus and have learned to function with it….but throw in a bloody great period and i’m useless.

Second: The bleed. The moment you go to the loo and think….”oh f@*k! You’re back again”

Third: The Pain. Now it isn’t a man’s fault that he can’t feel the pain we experience. It’s impossible. I’m pretty sure however that if he could feel a fraction of what we go through, he would be tucking us up every night with a blanket, a hot chocolate and a soppy movie.

Yesterday I had cramp from my head to my toes.

I felt dizzy.

I felt sick.

I felt hungry.

I ate my bodyweight in carbs.

I hated myself for eating my bodyweight in carbs.

I went to the loo about 25 times.

I laughed.

I cried.

I cried some more.

I remember all those years ago, being excited about getting my first period…I couldn’t wait.

Oh how naive I was 😂 😂

Take me back to the days when all we had to worry about was homework, and not sore boobs, sore backs, sore tummys, sore legs, hairs sprouting from everywhere……EVERYWHERE!

The days when you could stand up after a while without feeling like you’d wet yourself.

The days before asking friends to do a courtesy “bum check” just to make sure you haven’t leaked.

The days before PMS where you have to fight the urge not to smack everyone in the face for not even doing anything 🙈😂(we can’t help it guys…honest).

So as I sit here holding my front bum with one hand…and typing with the other, I have a few thoughts for the men out there.

Take a moment….

Look at the woman you have beside you and cherish her. You probably don’t realise the amount of discomfort she is in every month. Sometimes even more.

Love her. Protect her. Run her a hot bath. Give her a hot water bottle. Buy her all the comfort food she needs. Take the mood swings with a pinch of salt and know that she doesn’t mean it.

Women are heroes ❤

Much love, from a hormonal, menstruating #busyworkingmum. ❤

 

 

Accept yourself. ❤

Something amazing just happened….

I go abroad in 5 days and i’ve been putting off trying on all the swimwear I bought for fear of….well…hating myself again.

I mean, most of it doesn’t leave much to the imagination so there is no way of getting away from the stretch marks, the rolls, the cellulite.

I’ve pushed the idea of it to the back of my mind because I didn’t want to have to face up the disaster and have a complete freak out before I even got there.

I want to enjoy the break.

I want to enjoy the heat, without feeling the need to cover up my arms, stomach and legs.

I want to lie on a sun lounger, reading a book and drinking a cocktail without worrying about who is looking at me and what they’re thinking.

And do you know what?

I honestly think I will. 😁

I tried on every swimsuit, every bikini….and it was OK.

Ok” maybe doesn’t sound that fantastic but for me it really is.

My body hasn’t changed much recently and i’m nowhere near where I want to be, but I think i’ve accepted that the way it looks, every jiggle, every wobble, every thigh clap when I sit down is just ME!

Will I have moments of doubt when i’m over there? Of course.

Will I be smearing myself in anti-chafing gel so I don’t end up red raw? You betcha! 😁😁

And do you know what? There is nothing wrong with that. I’ll be in a place surrounded by all different shapes and sizes and i’ll feel “OK” which for me, is everything……

STOP thinking you can’t wear certain clothes.

STOP comparing your body to someone else’s.

STOP feeling unworthy.

I guarantee that if you put on that one thing in your wardrobe that you always chicken out of wearing, you will get compliments, because you will be oozing a confidence you didn’t even know you had!

BE present.

BE self loving.

BE kind.

Much Love xx

You can’t pretend.

As I handed my wedding bouquet to Martha for her pretend wedding, I was filled with a mix of emotion.Joy, at seeing her face light up and sadness when remembering when I stood there holding it saying “I do”.Moments like those, you think will last forever. I remember the emotion of saying my vows and meaning every word.Despite all that has happened and deciding that we weren’t forever as we planned, I still hold that day so close to my heart.I’ll never regret it.It would have been easy to throw away everything related to the wedding and pretend it didn’t happen, to shut myself off from the pain of the memories. But it happened. It was a massive event in my life.Today, as Martha is looking through the wedding album, i’m so glad that I kept everything. I want her to always believe in the magic of marriage. I want her to always imagine walking down the ailse. I want her to see the happiness in our eyes and know that she too, can have that.I’ll always be honest with her. When we get married, we want it to be forever, but none of us know what the future will bring.So my point is this.Martha will grow up looking at my wedding album and i’ll always be honest with her. She will always know that she came from a marriage that, back then was filled with love.It may not have lasted, but our love for her always will ❤Take a moment.Remember that day.Don’t block it out and pretend it didn’t happen. We grow from every experience we have and they make us who we are.We don’t always know what will happen but it’s up to us to make sure that we do what feels right at the time and follow our hearts. ❤We only get once chance at life.Much Love xx

Give yourself a round of applause…

In 4 weeks time, I get to stand by my best friends side as she says “I do“. I am so honoured, humbled and excited that I get to be a bridesmaid to her.

With the excitement though, comes some anxiety.

Not for the wedding, or the day, but for the fact that i’ll be going abroad for the first time in 11 years…and that I have to wear a swimsuit 😬.

I haven’t been looking after myself as I should. I’ve been eating all the wrong things, I haven’t been sleeping well and have just let everything else take priority above myself.

I have taken massive steps in terms of my confidence and have been pushing myself out of my comfort zone and wearing what I want, rather than just to cover up.

A bikini, or a swimsuit is a whole other matter though.

Wearing a swimsuit is the reason I haven’t been near a pool in over a decade. When I see it written in black and white, I know it’s ludicrous.

Why should it matter if I don’t have a thigh gap, or that my boobs aren’t up under my chin, or that my cellulite is exposed.

Do you know what? It actually doesn’t. I’ve had stern words with myself whilst looking at swimwear online and i’ve decided enough is enough.

I WILL be sitting beside the pool, reading a book with my 5th pina colada of the day. I’m not there to impress anyone. I’m not there to justify my body or size to anyone.

I’m there to relax. To breathe. To be grateful. To be present.

When I sit down and my thighs clap together, i’m just going to take that as my body giving me a round of applause for being alive. ❤

When my boobs hang to the side when I lie down, i’ll just think of them as my very own built in pool floats 😂

So do it.

Throw off the sarong. Enjoy the heat. Let it all hang out and love your life.

We only get one…now where’s my credit card? 🤔

Much love. Xx

Life is a rollercoaster…

I’m on the comedown from Nightshift and have been awake for 29 hours, and yet my brain is in overdrive.

2019 has been a complete rollercoaster of a year. Not just for me, but for many people I know.

Day to day life can be all consuming and we can get bogged down by the little things like the weekly food shop, the housework, going to work everyday, that we forget to look around and see what’s important.

Life has so many ups and downs and the negatives are easier to focus on than the positives.

I’ve always been more of a pessimist because I was under the belief that if I expected the worst, I wouldn’t be disappointed. Now though, I don’t believe that’s necessarily the best way to be.

I’ve been trying out a new technique of telling myself every morning, 5 things I am grateful for. It sounds cliched and over dramatic but I have found that if I do this, it pushes more of those negatives thoughts I have about myself, my life, and my situation to the back of my mind and I have been a lot more content overall.

Rubbish stuff happens, but we can’t let it define us and rule our lives.

We can only live our best lives, by doing exactly that. Living. Our. Best. Life.

So if you’ve been feeling a bit blue, or negative or maybe even just a bit blah wake up in the morning and say 5 things you are grateful for.

If you’re feeling rubbish about you as a person, tell yourself 5 good things…

If you need any help, let me start…

You are amazing.

You are talented.

You are capable of anything you set your mind to.

Life is yours for the taking.

You’ve got this. ❤

Try to enjoy the rollercoaster of life because it’s too darn short and we only get one go at it.

I recently got asked, if I could choose to live in this world, or a world where I was born into happiness and was happy all of the time..what would I choose?

I chose this life.

My reason? If you were born happy and were happy all the time, you wouldn’t actually know you were happy.

You wouldn’t be able to appreciate the good stuff if the negative things never happened.

What would you choose?

Much love, always xx

Your own adventure.

I am so proud of myself.

I can do anything.

Life is amazing.

These have been just a few of the thoughts swirling around my head the past couple of days.

Why? Well, because I was brave.

I decided that I wanted a mini break so I booked a hotel for myself and Martha for 2 nights in a city over 70 miles away that I don’t ever remember going to.

It may seem so trivial but for someone who on her worst days, couldn’t leave the house I feel on top of the world.

Loneliness is a horrible thing.

Anxiety is a horrible thing.

The only thing now I could say that has made a difference is CHOOSING to be alone. I made that decision.

When I felt so alone in my marriage, I didn’t enjoy doing things or taking Martha places on my own because I felt full of anger, disappointment and resentment. I was so lonely.

Now though, i’ve chosen to live the way I live and I think that’s why it’s easier to embrace it.

I put the holiday to the back of my mind until the last minute so I didn’t have time to panic.

I asked myself ” what’s the worst that could happen” i.e…..getting lost and realised that with a full tank of fuel and a SAT NAV we would be fine.

I’ve not been worrying about keeping Martha in the sleeping routine I worked so hard to get her into. Instead we have been reading extra stories and going to bed later in the hotel, and it’s been lovely.

We have been spending money we don’t have on things we don’t need and it has been exhausting, hilarious and magical ❤

I’ve been using my inner child this past couple of days and seeing the magic in everything, from the blue bannisters in the hotel that Martha now wants at home, to the sea lion show at the safari park.

I chose to do it alone.

I didn’t once feel alone.

Goodbye resentment, anger and fear.

I’m going to be happy about the experiences I get to have everyday.

Let go of what’s holding you back.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I would still rather take someone with me when I go places because quite frankly, kids are exhausting and it can be boring playing Anna and Elsa for 3 hours with a tree 😂 but it’s not going to stop me anymore.

As for you. The amazing person you are who takes the time to read my verbal vomit…..

Yes you will still have good days and bad days.

Anxiety doesn’t just fade away overnight, but don’t let it be your main focus.

You can do anything.

You will never be alone.

You‘ve got this.

I’m always here for you.

Much Love xx

 

 

 

 

Love yourself ❤

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It’s hard to love yourself.

To love the things you want to change.

To love yourself on good days and bad days.

To trust in your ability to be who you really are and not mould to someone else’s idea.

I’m realising more and more that it’s ok to say “Yeah, i’m good at that”. Confidence and Arrogance are completely different. Yes, I know what i’m good at but I also know that there are plenty better than me….and I love them 😍

For me, singing is my talent and one i’m so grateful to have but I haven’t used it to it’s full potential. I’ve let it become lost in my anxieties.

When I get asked, “So you can sing?” I’ve never known how to respond incase i’m asked to sing something then and there and they don’t like it. 🙈

It’s ludicrous and irrational but the truth.

When I started posting videos of myself singing, it would be fine until i’d picture the folk rolling their eyes and thinking “she loves herself”. For all the genuine praise, I would let one negative thought spoil it.

Something weird has happened though, just in this past wee while.

I do love myself.

I know where my strengths and weaknesses are. I know I can make people happy. I know i’m not perfect.

I know i’m not everyones cup of tea and that’s completely fine.

I’ve always settled for what I thought I deserved, not what I wanted and  always tried to play it safe.

Always thought that unless i’m skinnier, prettier that I don’t deserve the best. My voice isn’t going to change whether i’m a size 8 or 20!. I may never been a size 12. If I am, great! However i’m not going to look back on my life in 50 years time and have regrets. I know what I want out of life but I have to love myself first before anyone else can.

So take note.

Know what you’re good at and for goodness sake, do it! You are completely and utterly worth it and life is just too short. Love yourself and it will radiate.

My name is Eileen.

I have a Talent.

That’s ok.

Watch this space 🙂

 

Much Love. Xxx