How many times can you try?

Online dating is a jungle. I’ve never blogged about the fact that I had signed up to online dating but i’d never hidden it from those close to me. It was something I always vowed I would never do, but in a solely female work environment and in a time when everyone is glued to their phones on a night out instead of scoping out the room for a mate, I felt it was worth a shot.

I’ve had many great, fun dates and on the whole no crazy disaster stories to tell. I’ve met some lovely guys and sometimes they are great but the spark or chemistry just hasn’t been there and that’s fine because that’s what it’s all about. It’s better to be honest and frank about that after a first date, than leading someone down a misleading path.

There have been a few with great potential, a few dates and i’ve started to let my guard down. I never hide the fact that i’m an old romantic and can get over excited. 🤷‍♀️😂

There has been a running pattern that i’ve noticed recently though…..being told one thing only for them to do the opposite. The compliments, the messages, the video calls for hours at a time…even the person with the hardest of hearts would start to soften. You WANT to believe these things. You WANT to believe that there is a happily ever after out there and you open yourself up knowing there is a risk. You make yourself vulnerable. It’s an absolute whirlwind.

Each time there is heartbreak and disappointment, the gate over your heart starts to rust shut even tighter and the triple- lock padlock seals into place.

That is my life now. I question myself everyday anyway but when something like this happens, you start to wonder not how, but IF you will ever be able to trust anyone again.

Someone who gave you butterflies. Someone who seen your soul. Someone who you discussed a future with, who you could SEE a future with then breaks your heart….and tells you over a message 🙄 Someone who never gave mixed messages and was frank and honest….until now.

I’ve realised that 1. I’m an ugly crier 😭🙈😂 and 2. That even if I meet the right person in the future, I won’t believe that they are because I will be waiting for the red flags and the back- tracking( or them running back to their ex 🙄) so will shut them out even if it’s unintentionally. I will become self- destructive to my own future.

Words are cheap. It’s easy to talk the talk but for the love of God, just be honest. Don’t tell someone you are falling for them and see a future if you don’t. It’s dangerous.

I don’t really know where I go from here. Is it karma for me ending my marriage? Maybe. If so, then i’ll take it on the chin. Will I be 80 and alone living with 35 cats? As dramatic as it seems just now, it seems like the safest bet. I’ve never been a gambler and i’m fed up with betting my heart and losing it.

I need to clarify that this is not an “I hate men” blog. Men are great! I love men! But I definitely don’t trust my own judgement anymore when it comes to picking one. So i’m not going to anymore.

On the plus side, I will save some money on bikini waxes and I can grow my leg hair out so I won’t need to wear tights 😂

Just think. Think about how your words and actions can affect a person. Don’t try to rescue them if you aren’t going to keep them. ❤

Much love…..from an ugly crying, over emotional busyworkingmum ❤❤

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