This whole year,  all 10 months and 15 days since I ended my relationship, i’ve been too focused on showing that everything is fine. That I had my crap together. That I could be on my own, be a Mum and a provider without needing anybody.  Afterall, everything has been my decision so I had no right to complain or feel stressed right?

Wrong.

I’ve realised it’s ok.

To be sad;

To grieve;

For what I wanted for my life, for my broken heart.

I don’t have to be strong all the time.

I felt like I was suffocating by not allowing myself to feel sad. I had to be strong….or so I thought.

I never thought that at 31 I would be a single parent. I don’t think anybody ever wants that. But it is what it is and i’ve tried my best to embrace it, by focusing on Martha and getting used to being on my own. In some ways it has been really good for me.

Lyrics in a song I heard tonight really stuck with me. “THIS SHOULD HAVE ALL WORKED OUT BY NOW”   “I’M NOT UNBREAKABLE…..I’M BREAKING RIGHT NOW”.

This was exactly how I felt for the past couple of years and still do occassionally.

Sure, taking some time off was just what I needed and almost overnight I was sleeping better, eating better. I had to stop worrying about everyone else and focus on myself just for a couple of weeks. I had to sleep, to cry, to wallow and feel sorry for myself because it’s a natural process.

On nights like tonight when i’m up in 5 hours but just can’t get my brain to switch off. On nights like this when I miss having someone there. When I miss the feeling of someone lying beside me, or hearing them breathe. That security of knowing that i’m not on my own and that when I have one of my many recent nightmares, that there will be someone there to comfort me.

I worry that because I’ve said that I’ll never settle for anything less than what I want/need….that i’m asking too much.

I want to meet someone. I wasn’t built to be on my own.

I want to be loved.

I want passion and excitement and adventure.

And yet i’m so scared to give my heart to someone because I couldn’t stand it getting broken again. I’m not unbreakable. I feel a bit like a ceramic vase that has been smashed and glued back together. On the surface it looks fine. Look a bit closer and there are cracks. Look even further in and you see just how damaged and fragile it has become.

To be honest, i’m not sure what the point of this blog is, but all I will say is that so many people have messaged me since i’ve started writing them and it’s ok. It’s ok to have off days and sad days and it’s equally ok to have happy days, to find happiness with someone else without judgement. To allow yourself to breathe.

You will get through everything in your own time, in your own way and there is no right or wrong. You are all amazing.

I hope that one day I will find someone to fill my heart with joy (other than the amazing friends I already have) someone who will know me inside out who I can completely be myself with.

I don’t know if or when it will happen but until then, i’ll carry on taking one day at a time grieving and coping in my own way because that’s all we can do.

To anyone who needs to hear it.

You are a warrior. You are amazing. I love you.

Much love. Xxx

I FORCED myself to get out of bed today.

I FORCED myself to clean the bathroom.

I FORCED myself to play Anna and Elsa with Martha when really all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry.

I FORCED myself to strip the beds and launder them.

Some days are just harder than others. Not just for me, but for you too i’m sure.

The days when you feel like time is going so slowly.

The days when you feel like nothing is right and there doesn’t even have to be a reason.

The days when you are lying wide awake at 1am because your mind is just swirling around and around.

The days when you just want to be alone, but also hate being alone.

Relate?

I apologised to Martha today. She was doing absolutely nothing wrong. She was being 4. She was being excitable. She was being her most amazing self.

I, on the other hand was tired, and grumpy and impatient. I had the beds to strip and the bathroom to clean and the washing up to do. I had to drag her around the shop whilst I was deciding on paint for the hallway.

But rather than being difficult and moany like she would have had every right to do, she looked up at me from the shopping trolley and said “Mummy, I just love your face”. ❤

Despite everything, even on the days when I feel like all I do is shout, she loves my face. On the days when i’m sad or hurting, she loves my face.

On the days when I’m disappointed that my plans have fallen through. She loves my face.

There is no judgement, no holding grudges, she just “loves my face”.

So remember, it doesn’t matter if you sometimes feel like you’ve failed. If like me, you’ve gone to bed and forgotten to put the bedding back on so are sleeping on a bare mattress with a bare quilt 🙄😂

If you’ve not managed to tick off any boxes from your To-Do list.

If you’re feeling disappointed, frustrated, stressed, depressed…..it really is OK.

Know why?

We are human.

We can plaster a smile on our faces, hide our struggles and pains with humour, we can feel like lying in a dark room for a week.

We can laugh,

We can cry,

We can shout,

We can fail because at the end of the hardest days, there will always be someone who “loves your face” ❤

Remember that.

Cherish it.

Don’t ever feel alone.

Much love xxx

“How are you?” is a question we all ask each other pretty much every day.

But how often do we tell the truth? My automatic response is always “I’m good thanks, how are you?”

Recently, it’s been a blatant lie.

I’m not good.

I’m not ok.

Everyday has been a battle.

To get out of bed, to get dressed, to speak to people, to go to work. God, what an effort it has been.

I cried today.

I cried yesterday.

I’ve cried every day for at least a month.

I know i’m not the only one who feels like this but at the time, you feel alone.

I want to seem like my life is sussed. That I can do it all. That I can be a single mum, still work, still be there for my daughter, and still have some kind of social life.

But I can’t. I can’t do it all. Something always has to give. I feel guilty all the time for everything. For going to work, for not having dinner prepared in advance, for not having the housework done, for not having the energy to play with Martha after a hard day because i’m physically exhausted, for not being unpacked yet since we moved in. I look around and just feel overwhelmed.

Yes, my hypothyroidism plays a big part with the physical exhaustion, but I can usually identify and manage that .

This has been different.

My anxiety has been through the roof.

A constant knot in my stomach. All day. Every single day.

I’m there for any friend or family member, at any time but i’ve realised I haven’t been there for myself. I haven’t been taking the time I need to make sure i’m sleeping properly, eating properly. I haven’t even been blogging because I feel like I have nothing to say.

So enough is enough.

I’m taking time. Whether it’s a few days or a few weeks off work, I don’t know yet but i’m taking time to get on top of things, and to look after myself.

I’m setting myself just one task each da to get on top of all the household jobs….i know I will then feel less trapped.

This blog is by no means a sympathy post but my hope is that some of my followers will read it and realise they aren’t alone.

It’s ok not to cope all the time.

It’s ok to burn out and take some time to re-charge.

It’s ok to go and get your hair done or get a massage or just sit in your pj’s for a day.

I’m so lucky I have an amazing support network and even at 31, cry on the phone to my Mum.

Unless we look after ourselves, we can’t look after anyone else. I need to start self- love again and try to leave th guilt behind.

So do you. I know you can….

We can do it together.

Much Love. ❤

I haven’t been blogging recently because I feel like my mind has been a huge clutter of thoughts and emotions.

Between work and home i’ve been exhausted and overwhelmed. It can be easy to let things get on top of us and not take some time out.

Today I had the opportunity to get some much needed housework done whilst Martha is at her Dads, which allowed me to get it done without feeling guilty by not playing with her.

I didn’t have music on, I wasn’t singing. I was focusing on the tasks in hand and ticking them off one by one. Hurrah!

Afterwards though, I suppose all the thoughts i’d been pushing to the back of my mind for weeks came to the forefront. One in particular…

CHRISTMAS….that’s right, I said the “C Word” and it isn’t even October 😂

I’ve been inwardly worrying about it for a while, not just from the financial aspect but also knowing that it will be the first Christmas that i’ve spent on my own.

It’s my favourite time of year, and for me, Christmas is a day that’s full of magic and love. Being one of 5 siblings it was always carnage in our house with wrapping paper everywhere and lots and lots of noise!

This year is going to be different for me. Once all the magic of the santa presents is over, Martha will be going to spend time with her Dad and I will no doubt head over to my Mums for some food. That will be great but My Lord will I miss her. Seeing Christmas through a Childs eyes is the best part.😍

I know I will have a lovely time with my family but then it will be over, and it will be time for me to head home.

The more I think about it though, the more I think it will be fine. Yes, I might put on a soppy Christmas movie and cry my eyes out whilst stuffing my face with Marzipan, but it will be ok.

I’ll be alone, but I won’t be lonely and that’s the difference.

Being alone for me, is much better than being in a relationship and feeling lonely.

I’m not lonely.

I’m not sad.

In fact the longer i’m on my own, the more I realise it’s ok to be alone….but I won’t lie……I don’t want to be forever. ❤