So i’m sitting here ready to get a bikini wax….I know….T.M.I right? It got me thinking though, why am I doing it? I mean, i’m single now and nobody has been near it in months, I might as well padlock it. 😂

I first got it done a month ago and i’m not going to lie, it was super painful but I felt great afterwards 😀

That’s what anything we do in life is supposed to do. Whether you get your eyebrows done, nails done, buy yourself that new pair of shoes..eat that second bit of cake it doesn’t matter. If things make you feel good and you’re not hurting anybody then why not?

There can be stigma attached to doing anything. If a parent wants to go for a night out and let his/her hair down, then so what? If you want to spend money on waxing, or botox, or spray tans then go for it! If the kids are happy then when shouldn’t we be.

Do what makes you happy. Spoil yourself. I’m always the worst for pampering and it’s only been the past few months that i’ve started getting my hair done more often and getting my moustache waxed 🙈.

Usually, I shave my legs about once a month and if i’m wearing sandals, only paint the toes I can see 🙈

So yes, i’ll lie there with my foof out for myself. Not for anybody else.I may come out red raw and walking home like i’ve just spent a week riding a horse, but I know tomorrow i’ll feel great. 😁

It’s ok to take some time for you.

So do it.

Book yourself in that for massage:

Go for that long awaited catch-up with friends:

Get the tattoo you’ve wanted for years:

Get a sitter and go on the date you and your partner never seem to manage.

Live your life. If you’re happy, then your family will be too.

Much love xx

….from a red raw, very tired Mum.

There is always a constant battle going on in my head between my will- power and my stomach. My stomach normally wins 🙄

I have hated the way i’ve looked for over half my life. Wow. Half my life. 19 Years to be precise. Ever since starting secondary school, when what you wore and what you looked like became much more important than who you were…GOD I HATED IT!!

I guess that’s when my unhealthy relationship with food began. Fad diets were really taking off, and I remember doing the “Kellogs special K” diet quite a few times in which you would only eat cereal twice a day and then a healthy meal at night. It actually makes me so angry thinking about it and how it was plastered all over T.V like it was the norm. Yes, I would lose 6lbs but then it would go back on and then some and then you move on to the next crazy diet. Each time loathing yourself a little bit more.

For me, food is a crutch. I eat when i’m hungry ;when i’m not; when i’m happy; when i’m sad. I’d quite happily never eat another meal again and just eat chocolate and cakes. 🙄🤣 Darned sweet tooth 🤗

People always assume that if you’re bigger then you must eat three 15inch pizzas every day and just slob around. Not the case.

My size had been roughly the same for most of my adult life, fluctuating up and down a dress size. Even though I hated it, it was reliable 🙂

The only time i’ve ever been happy with my body was when I was pregnant. I didn’t mind the stretch marks and my ever expanding waistline and the fact that my front bum was going to have to stretch to the size of a large grapefruit 🙈😋..I was growing a miracle ❤

2015

I suppose even afterwards, getting back into my size 14 “hump me” jeans a month after giving birth felt amazing and I was embracing my new Mum tum.

But then, well it all changed. Fast forward a few months and i’m in constant pain, crying every day, and 4 stone heavier and I had no idea why. For once I wasn’t in control of losing weight. I wasn’t bigger because of what I was eating, nothing I did worked. At my lowest point I honestly thought I was dying. I remember texting my friend whilst waiting on the blood results saying. “WHAT IF I DIE? I’M SO SCARED”. My body just felt like it was shutting down.

2017 and i’m on my thyroid meds (yup, you’ve guessed it i’m talking about my Thyroid again. Stop reading now if you’ve heard me drone on enough) and i’m starting to notice my cheek bones coming back but I still have a long way to go. I’m still not comfortable in my own skin and have lost all of my confidence. All because I was a bit heavier than “normal” for goodness sake. It seems so trivial but it’s an anxiety I live with every day.

So here we are in 2019, 4 stone lighter and starting to feel my old self again, but i’m realising more and more that no matter what size I am, i’m never going to be happy and will always have hang-ups (or flop downs in my case 🤣)

It’s the whole “I wish I was as thin as the first time I thought I was fat” scenario. I look back at pictures of my teenage self and see collar bones and a tiny waist and wish I hadn’t have listened to all the negativity. It stopped me from doing so many things in my life.

I’m not there yet and i’ve been eating everything like there is going to be a mass ration ( seriously, 2 custard doughnuts and a big bag of giant buttons during nightshift last night) I self sabotage a lot and only I can make the changes I need. I’m not just automatically going to wake up one day a size 12 and be able to run a half marathon….more’s the pity.

We each have a goal we want and I’m going to start holding myself more accountable and making sure I make the right choices. I mean Dear Lordy, i’m single now and the thought of anyone seeing me naked is, well…..yeh let’s not. I have to accept and love myself though before anyone else will.

This time when I reach my goal; notice I said when not if ( i’m getting better 😉) i’m not going to stress out if I put a bit back on again…afterall. I want my cake and to eat it.

We are all absolutely amazing, gorgeous people and we need to remember that. ❤

My personal target this year is to stop caring about what my arms look like and just let the air circulate. If somebody has a problem with them then i’ll just flap a bingo wing in their face 🤣

Much love xxx

Watching Martha dance in her first show made my heart burst with pride. As did the heart of every relative of every person up on stage. Seeing everybody just absolutely loving their time on stage and having a ball. It isn’t about being better than somebody else, it’s about believing in yourself and enjoying the moment.

Usually, when I try something new it would be around this time that I have what I would call “A Wobble”. I worry all the time about what people think. I have never wanted people to think I love myself or that i’m arrogant. However, because I worry so much, it’s held me back from doing the things I love to their full potential. I always forget that the people who really matter in my life are the people who will love everything I do. No matter what.

If I post up a singing video, or write my blog I feel good for about an hour and then just panic. I worry about the gossip and what people are saying about me. Why should I care? I get annoyed that I do care. What I have to try to remember though is that if someone rolls their eyes and has negativity, or decides that i’m their negative topic of conversation, then they are not the people I should be associating with or bothering about. It’s hard though, to remove negativity from your life. Especially today when social media is everything and everywhere. The negative stuff is always harder to believe. I would love to keep the magic of being young and doing something out of pure enjoyment without the worry. It’s refreshing and something i’m going to try really hard to abide by from now on. Let the haters hate. We all say and do things we shouldn’t and that’s what makes us human. What also makes us human though is our ability to love and support. I do my best to support all my friends in everything they do, regardless of what it is or why. One trait I will never have and I hope Martha never has is jealousy. I will raise her to support and encourage people. No dream is too big and I want her to do what I never did…..believe in herself.

Much Love xx

Today I got to see Martha take part in her first sports day. As I watched her and the rest of her little team line up for the first race, I could sense the excitement and nerves. Bearing in mind, that there are no rankings and it’s all just for fun, they still all wanted to do the best they could. Super cute 😍

I remember being 4 like it was yesterday. Going to nursery was exciting! Watching Bedknobs and Broomsticks every single day ( that Mum had recorded off of the tele and had the old milky way advert on it) was the highlight of my days. Being completely sucked in by the imagery and music. I couldn’t get enough of it.

Getting sooo excited if we got a sweetie as a treat, or if Mum had enough money to get face cold meat..which naturally, I would eat the eyes out of and hold it up to my face because otherwise, what’s the point right? 🤣

I would go back to that time in a heart beat. Seeing the magic in everything. Martha stopped the other day, just to point out a snail sitting on a leaf. I would never have noticed. The joy she gets, running up to the traffic lights to push the button and wait on the green man. When does that stop?

The overwhelming sense she gets to dance everywhere and anywhere when she hears a rhythmn.

The excitement on her face today when I walked into her Dads house to pick her up ❤

Being young is….being able to pick out a wedgie with nobody judging you😁. Being able to be completely yourself because you know no different. It’s about not caring about what you look like, what other people look like, not worrying about bills, and schedules and the future. It’s living life to the fullest every single day without having to do very much.

Yes, i’d go back there in a heart beat, sitting watching Bedknobs and Broomsticks eating my face cold meat and feeling truly content.

Oh to be young again. ❤

Much love x

Today was a massive day! It may seem so trivial but to me it was MASSIVE! I finally went to IKEA. 5 hours of pretty much being in heaven. I felt like a kid in a sweet shop. Lighting, soft furnishings, kitchenware and meatballs! I felt free today. Free to make my own choices about what to buy, how much to spend, how I want my new home looking. It was liberating. For a long time I have avoided going places I haven’t been, if I know there is a system to adhere to. For instance I love sushi but have never gone to a sushi place to eat because I don’t know what to do with the conveyer belt thingymajig and it gives me the actual fear. I don’t know why asking someone to explain it to me is so terrifying but it is 🙈🤣

Luckily today I was with someone who had been before and knew about the writing down system and collecting the big items at the end….thanks Pal!

It was everything I had hoped for and more. Following the arrows through a treasure trove of inspiration to be met at the end with a £700 bill…..but every penny was carefully spent with thought.

I didn’t get carried away for once. Each item has a use and a need. A day away with great banter, great shopping and a transit van was just perfection.

The only downside is that I now have 3 chests of drawers, a side unit, 8 storage cubes , and a shelving unit to build.

Anyone got a screwdriver?

Much Love xx

I think most of us want the “Happily Ever After” that we see in films. You want to meet that one person, get married, start a family, and live happily ever after. It does happen. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.

I didn’t plan on being 31 and almost twice divorced. I don’t think anybody willingly get’s married thinking that it won’t last. Marriage takes work…but why should it have to be SO hard? When is it ok to say enough is enough?  Just recently, I was viewing a house and explaining to the neighbour ( who had barged her way in during the viewing I might add) that the house was for Me and my daughter as I had separated. I’m then hit with ” you know, in my day divorce didn’t happen and folk just had to work at it”.

I felt like screaming at the top of my lungs ” I TRIED! I REALLY REALLY TRIED!”. Instead, I gradually changed the subject and left the viewing feeling A. Super annoyed that this woman just appeared from next door and B. Really frustrated that there is always a stigma.

A lot has changed in the last 6 months. Ending my marriage, breaking up a family unit, selling my dream home and setting up as a single parent. An “Independent Woman”. I’ve been living in my own place for a month now and I can’t deny I feel a sense of peace, of calm but also of pure terror…..i’m trying to live each day as it comes now as apposed to worrying about everything. I’m trying to unleash an inner confidence and I think this blog will be my therapy.

What will tomorrow bring I wonder?..