It took me a good while to cry. I really wanted to but it just wasn’t happening.

You might wonder why I would “want” to cry but just like many others, crying is a release. I knew that if I had a good old proper ugly cry, that I would feel better. At least a little bit.

I would usually put on a sad song or a soppy movie and they always do the trick. Not this time. Nothing was working. But then I realised. I can’t force it. I can’t push my body into reacting the way I want it to, so I just had to wait. Wait with the constant sadness in my gut and the continual anxious feeling in my chest.

And then it happened….2 weeks after I wanted it to….

The tears finally started to flow. And flow. And flow. A whole 60 minutes of sobbing, not being able to breath properly and curling up in a ball. It must have looked like a scene from a cheesey break-up movie. 🙈 ( i’m not a pretty crier) 🤣

I think it’s the first time in my life that i’ve felt actual physical pain with crying and sadness. I cried until there was nothing left.

Since then? Yes, the anxious feeling isn’t so bad…the sadness is a tiny bit lighter. I didn’t feel the relief I hoped I would. The relief I can usually get from a good “greet”. I still feel sad, I still feel in physical pain and that nothing makes sense at the minute. In fact, now that the flood gates have opened, i’m finding it hard to close them 🙈🤣

But it’s ok. I’m just going with it.

I’m not going to hide my sadness because I physically can’t. Even having breakfast with my best friend resulted in the awkward “oh god the tears are coming” moments where I would be talking and have to catch my breath necause I didn’t want to sob over my Eggs Benedict. 🙈

Our bodies tell us what we need to do. They let us know when we are stressed, happy, tired, hungry etc…..we have to listen to them and trust the process.

There is no right or wrong. No simple way to get over something. We all react differently in different situations. I’ve reacted so differently this time than I usually would. Trust your body. Trust your mind.

Don’t try to push the sadness down. Don’t try to force a different reaction because you can’t, not in the long term.

Be sad. Have a cry. Or not. Whatever your body tells you to do.

You will in time, feel better. You will feel the load lighten. You will get there.

Much love. Xxx