When you don’t have the reason or answers as to why something ended you start questioning yourself. Putting yourself under the microscope. I know I do. I’ve always been my own worst critic.
Was I not pretty enough? Thin enough? Was it because I dyed my hair?
Did I say something or do something wrong? Was I not caring enough? Was I too caring?
Round and round and round, questions swirling like a vortex in my brain.
Maybe you’re like me and you always turn to self blame.
Don’t.
Don’t do that to yourself. Please. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are great as you are.
Don’t starve yourself because you think you need to be thinner. Don’t dye your hair back because they didn’t like the colour. Don’t stop being kind. Don’t stop being you.
At a time where I feel the most unattractive and unwanted……I still ate cake. And you know what? It was good! It’s just my humble opinion, but chocolate cake for breakfast makes for a pretty good day.
Don’t change. Don’t blame yourself and for Gods sake eat the cake. Life is too damn short.
I’m sitting here in my flannel pyjama bottoms, a big bowl of cereal and watching Pride and Prejudice 🥰
And I feel……content. I know right? It shocked me too 🤣.
I’ve had an emotional rollercoaster the past wee while and to add to that, i’ve had severe Mum guilt about having to work during the holidays and not being able to do a fraction of the things I planned 😥
But. I’m not dwelling on what I can’t change. Guilt comes with the territory of parenthood…and will be part of my daily life forever 🙈😭🤣
For now? I’m enjoying this peaceful moment of drooling over Colin Firth….and I would definitely recommend doing the same if you need a wee pick me up!
Find the simple things that bring you comfort and enjoy them. A book, a film, a hot bath or like in my case, a handsome man emerging from a river in a loose white shirt. 🤣
Enjoy the small things and the simple moments that we usually take for granted. ❤
I woke up today and made a decision. I chose to be happy. I’ve had a week of stewing in my own sadness. I’ve grieved. It won’t be easy, but i’m done with being sad. It’s exhausting.
Let go of what makes you unhappy, and the things you cannot change. Choose to be happy. ❤
We all have nights where we toss and turn, are restless with our minds going over every little detail. It’s ok.
Sometimes there are nights that there may be no specific reason but our bodies don’t want to give in. It’s ok.
Night time is a time of stillness, quiet and when all of our thoughts and worries of the day seem to burst into our heads because we don’t have the distractions of the day.
For me, last night was one of those nights, where I couldn’t switch off. I lay for hours going over everything in my head.
This morning though, I have woken up with a bit more clarity. I may never get the answers I need. I can’t change anything, and I also can’t let it keep me awake at night anymore….hopefully.
It’s ok. It will pass.
Not every night will be like that.
Breathe, rest and hopefully…tomorrow will be better.
Sometimes we get consumed by having the latest technology, the biggest house, the nicest car and there is nothing wrong with that at all……..IF it brings you happiness.
The dress I bought today? I wanted it (and with £10 off it was calling my name), but as the bulging wardrobe of clothes that I never wear reminds me…..I don’t need it. But. For a moment (Probably until I try it on and it doesn’t fit) it filled a small void. I was able to get out of my slump for that second and imagine wearing it, somewhere nice.
In truth though, it will take more than a dress. At a time when I feel at my lowest I’ve had to have a word with myself about what’s actually important…and then I remembered…….
Even though my life has done a complete 180 in the past couple of weeks, and I don’t have everything I want….I have EVERYTHING that I need.
So remember, even in the worst of times when you think you might never get what you want, or have lost what you had.
It took me a good while to cry. I really wanted to but it just wasn’t happening.
You might wonder why I would “want” to cry but just like many others, crying is a release. I knew that if I had a good old proper ugly cry, that I would feel better. At least a little bit.
I would usually put on a sad song or a soppy movie and they always do the trick. Not this time. Nothing was working. But then I realised. I can’t force it. I can’t push my body into reacting the way I want it to, so I just had to wait. Wait with the constant sadness in my gut and the continual anxious feeling in my chest.
And then it happened….2 weeks after I wanted it to….
The tears finally started to flow. And flow. And flow. A whole 60 minutes of sobbing, not being able to breath properly and curling up in a ball. It must have looked like a scene from a cheesey break-up movie. 🙈 ( i’m not a pretty crier) 🤣
I think it’s the first time in my life that i’ve felt actual physical pain with crying and sadness. I cried until there was nothing left.
Since then? Yes, the anxious feeling isn’t so bad…the sadness is a tiny bit lighter. I didn’t feel the relief I hoped I would. The relief I can usually get from a good “greet”. I still feel sad, I still feel in physical pain and that nothing makes sense at the minute. In fact, now that the flood gates have opened, i’m finding it hard to close them 🙈🤣
But it’s ok. I’m just going with it.
I’m not going to hide my sadness because I physically can’t. Even having breakfast with my best friend resulted in the awkward “oh god the tears are coming” moments where I would be talking and have to catch my breath necause I didn’t want to sob over my Eggs Benedict. 🙈
Our bodies tell us what we need to do. They let us know when we are stressed, happy, tired, hungry etc…..we have to listen to them and trust the process.
There is no right or wrong. No simple way to get over something. We all react differently in different situations. I’ve reacted so differently this time than I usually would. Trust your body. Trust your mind.
Don’t try to push the sadness down. Don’t try to force a different reaction because you can’t, not in the long term.
Be sad. Have a cry. Or not. Whatever your body tells you to do.
You will in time, feel better. You will feel the load lighten. You will get there.
There are days when we don’t want to get out of bed.
There are days when putting one foot infront of the other seems like the biggest effort in the world.
There are days when we feel so sad that we wonder if we will ever feel happy again.
But we do. We get out of bed. We put one foot infront of the other and we plaster a smile on our faces.
There will come a day, even though it might feel like an eternity away that we will wake up and it won’t feel so hard to get out bed. That carrying on isn’t so hard and gradually, happiness will come back.
It might not be today. It might not be tomorrow……but it will happen. Why? Well, because it has to, right? It has to get better. It has to get easier because we have no choice. We have people who depend on us. Who care. Who love us and need us.
We do it for them. For the people in our lives who are always there. Who pick us up when we fall. Who see the beauty in us, even when we can’t see it in ourselves.
“Mummy, you look beautiful today”. ❤
There is always someone. Whether it be our children, our friends, our family…..there is always a reason to get out of bed and show up……even when it feels like the hardest thing in the world. ❤
We can drive ourselves crazy; overthinking, over -analysing worrying about what may or may not happen.
I know I do.
I know I always worry that i’m not good enough, kind enough, pretty enough, thin enough. The slightest of things can spiral us into the depths of self- loathing and self-doubt.
But please don’t. We can’t change someone to deal with things in a different way. Just like we can’t change the way we ourselves deal with it.
What I’m realising more and more is that you can’t control what’s going to happen. You can drive yourself around the bend and I know for me, jumping to worst case scenario is always a self-preservation thing….like, if I expect the worst to happen then I can’t be disappointed right? I know it’s not a healthy way to be, but our minds are the way they are. Good or bad.
You can shut down, need the space. You can feel empty and confused. You can feel angry. You can feel sad. You might like to be solitary in such times or you might like to surround yourself with people. You might like to talk. You might like to be silent.
Regardless of how you deal with things, worrying only makes it worse. Nothing will change the outcome. All you can do is reassure, support and be honest. You don’t have to be the same as someone else.
Try to understand that your way of dealing with stuff isn’t wrong. We all do what we have to do to get us through such times.
Although easier said than done, try not to worry. Try to be happy. Things will turn out they way they turn out. For better, or for worse.
We all want and need different things out of a relationship. I guess there isn’t really a right or wrong, it’s down to that particular person.
For me, the one thing I need above all else is time. Time with that person. Laughing, making memories and being a priority to someone. I think it’s only natural to want someone to think about you 💁♀️.
It’s so nice to have. It’s so nice to feel important and to have the feeling that someone wants to make you smile.
It doesn’t have to be anything special or expensive. It doesn’t have to be all day or night. It can be jumping in the car and seeing where you end up. It could be sharing a bottle of wine whilst catching up with “Married at First Sight Australia” ( Other shows are available 🤣) or it could even be nipping to the supermarket together.
In and around all of these seemingly easy tasks there are moments. Moments in time that you keep a hold of. A smile. A joke. A look. Something that etches in your brain and creates a memory.
That’s what I need. That’s what I now have and it sometimes feels so strange, but in the best way.
Now don’t get me wrong, “stuff” can be nice. Getting things or gifts can be lovely and has it’s place but for the most part, it’s unimportant.
“Things” can be replaced. “Things” can end up having more priority to someone than who they have in their life. Memories are what is important. Memories are what help us thrive. Memories, both good and bad can make us appreciate what we have.
We all get bogged down with day to day life, forgetting to make ourselves a priority let alone someone else. But it can be the best thing and it’s worth making time for.
BusyWorkingMum 