As an over thinker and worrier, I’ve always struggled to completely let myself go. Physically and emotionally. Worrying too much about what people think of me and I know i’m not alone in that.
In a strange way, lockdown has brought with it a security blanket. Not going out means not having to worry as much about what i’m wearing, whether my eyebrows are “on fleek” or if my arms are out. (See previous blogs about bingo wings) 😂
It’s also brought with it a new relationship. Something I never saw happening. Loads of friends said “It will happen when you least expect it” and to be quite honest, I thought they were talking crap 🤷♀️😂
But it HAS happened. There he was, under my nose the whole time. Someone who already, in such a short space of time, has allowed me to be completely myself. For the first time in my life I don’t have to worry. He has seen me at my worst and still didn’t judge. When my self-consciousness and sadness has been at the forefront-he didn’t run.
Within a couple of days, I felt more relaxed, more comfortable. Without even knowing it he has given me the ability to be unapologetically me. Whether i’m dolled up to the nines, or whether I have birds nest hair and no face on- he looks at me the same way.
It has been an intense rollercoaster. It’s been scary and wonderful all at the same time.
I get it now.
I get the way i’m supposed to feel about myself, and about someone else. I understand it finally. The butterflies, the lust, the kindness, the freedom. No expectation to be something i’m not. No pretending to be something i’m not. God it’s surreal. I keep expecting to waken up….or for him to come to his senses 🤷♀️😂 but I feel secure.
Happiness, contentment, understanding and feeling wanted are flippin’ brilliant feelings to have. 😁
Freedom. To have my bingo wings flailing about without worrying. Freedom. To tie my hair back if it get’s too crazy which would have been unheard of before as it hides my face . Such small things in the grand scheme of everything going on, but hugely important. Freedom to sit without covering my waist. Freedom to say what I want and how I feel.
I think most important, I now have the ability to let someone in, and I have. ❤
I have no idea what the future will bring, but I know that i’m excited about it….complete freedom. Sounds pretty good to me 😁
Much Love x